all that i ever needed

2011-01-04T13:56:00.002+08:00

2011, a brand new year which is supposed to represent a brand new start but why does it seem to start from the opposite end? the side that doesn't seem all too great.. with so much happening in life, with everything going through the mind.. everyday seems to be nice and calm on the outside but deep down, somehow, something somewhere just feels so out of place that it hurts. it hurts so much that even i cant seem to figure. there's so much i want to say but it never felt like a good time to speak and i am afraid. afraid to face the consequences. yet i really want you to hear it for i don't want to regret it later. but then again, it all feels so difficult..

to make things worse, presentation preparation doesn't seem to be going well either.. not knowing all that is required, not understanding enough.. everything seems so bleak.. the end is nowhere in sight.. all feels so far from reach..

but on hindsight, it's probably just the trough of the roller coaster ride and things will take a turn for the peak real soon..

2010-09-03T18:54:00.002+08:00

how does it feel to be crying everyday for whatever reasons? now i actually realised how tiring it was to be crying every night.. for whatever reasons it may be, it seems like crying was once a form of releasing.. to allow myself to let go whatever it felt deep down and the next day, wear my mask and carry on with life.. then the same routine takes place everyday for the past 5 days.. however, it seems like crying is no longer an option.. because i realised that i no longer have a place where i can hide and cry to my heart's content.. and yet it was all too difficult to just cry out for help or support. and yet after leaving 21 yrs of my life, for the first time i was told that i was self centered and unappreciative.. but what hurt the most was neither of those.. it was the fact that i was doubted for the love i had for my dad.. how much i wanted to do and yet incapable of doing.. that was hard to swallow.. so hard that i wished i had more ppl telling me that to make me feel how bad i was deep down.. if only there were more support to put me down totally.. then perhaps it wouldn't feel half that bad..

as usual, not explaining or not putting a defence does not mean and never in any way meant that i am indifferent in there.. i may seem indifferent and may not seem to care.. but how many ppl really know? yet to me, it doesn't really matter anymore.. just let me continue living my life in vain just as you deem it to be..

2010-07-06T23:41:00.002+08:00

RIP friend.. i was grateful we once crossed paths.. though it wasn't for long.. but 2 years wasn't half that short either.. we once talked and msged almost everyday about any random thing that we could think of.. although the last time we met was early this year and we didn't say much, it brought back many memories.. and those were the days that shall never be forgotten..

2010-05-28T15:58:00.001+08:00

i hate you.. that's about all i have to say to you..

2010-05-12T23:50:00.002+08:00

i think i need more time to myself.. one day to myself is only sufficient to last me for 3 days.. hence, things are getting on my nerves yet again.. i need more time to myself.. perhaps i should live without my phone for the next few days.. but then again, i need to wait for calls from that stuck up woman, and get info on the excursions since i do not know if it will be via email or phone.. sighhh! i just need everyone to get off my back! i want to MIA! i should just go to school for lesson, go to work or go shopping on my own! i want everything to myself! i don't want to entertain anybody for now!!!

2010-04-15T00:27:00.004+08:00

as the days pass, and on nights that i lay on my bed, reflecting on the things that i've been through, i realised how i became who i am today. the people and events who have, in one way or another, played a part in molding me today. i've been through a lot although i've only been through 21 years of life. i've seen more life and death than many other ppl did. death in this aspect referred to people dear to me. not just any tom, dick or harry. i've seen how they went through torments due to medications and therapies. i've heard hypocritical and nasty words. i was accused for things i never did. i was told how unfriendly, how evil and how anti-social i was. i was told that i should change this aspect and that aspect of me. people tell me how lousy i was to them and how i should change my attitude towards them. but little did they realise the fact that they were nowhere better. just because i don't voice it out didn't mean that i agree with you. it doesn't mean you could take me for a pushover either. it doesn't matter who you are to me, for in this realistic society, how many people actually spared a thought for others? we are all but selfish people who are concerned only for ourselves. so, if i don't expect anything from you, do not expect anything out of me either. i may once be so trusting and naive but who i am today is no longer that innocent little girl you once knew. we all grow. the only difference lies in when and the rate we grow. if you disagree, it's only because you haven't learn or that we live in different worlds where you probably live in your ivory tower and i am not interested in your world just like how you are not interested in mine. nevertheless, i am really glad to have met great friends in my life! those who has seen me in my worse and still there for me despite what everybody else has claimed about me. we may not meet everyday but it doesn't mean we don't care because we are just a call away, regardless of where we are. to end, love me for who i am or leave me alone. i love myself the way i am. do not expect me to change for you because you're but a nobody to me if i have to change to please you for it is impossible to please everyone.

2010-03-17T21:54:00.002+08:00

recently, emotions have been put on roller coaster rides constantly.. there's no time for myself to settle down before being brought up to a high again. what's exactly went wrong? was it just me or am i not alone.. is anybody out there experiencing the same problem as i am? i don't understand why people shoot their mouths before finding out. if it can be done on one, why not the other? simply because i don't ask? just because i don't do it to show doesn't mean that i don't. just because i am not loud enough means that i don't care? or is it because you expect people to respect you just for the sake of it? i guess it has been thought since the day we know things that we should always learn to respect before we deserve the same respect. to put it nicely, it takes two to clap.. to put it bluntly, it's an eye for an eye.. that's how the world works.. that's how harsh reality is, accept it or not, the earth doesn't stop spinning FOR YOU.. all of us constitute to only an insignificant proportion compared to the earth.. so, what makes you think you are different?

it's high time we learn to reflect on our own behaviour before pointing fingers bearing in mind that when you put out your finger to point at someone, three other fingers are pointing back at yourself..

2010-03-08T00:10:00.002+08:00

in a group, when we don't listen and insist, it only leads to unhappiness in the group and when this happens, it becomes an unpleasant experience. however, this is the case when insensitivity towards the feelings of others take place. you feel unhappy and think that ppl don't listen and the other parties think you do not allow room for comments, leading to conflicts. sigh.. guess it's just part and parcel of life. whether it's school or work, there are bound to be such people. it's probably a good time to learn. learn how to handle such situations better. =)

on the same note, school has been hectic! with 2 reports, 2 projects, one more quiz, all in this month and 2 modules that cannot be understood.. and i have NO TIME to do them AT ALL! thanks to just 1 project. i am glad i made it a 4 days week for myself. else, there's probably really no time at all for anything with all the probably 1-2 hrs in between slots which doesn't get much done..

JESS WILL BE A HAPPIER PERSON NEXT MONTH! hopefully.. but i hope i don't have to give alice in the wonderland a miss!

awaiting...

2010-03-04T22:41:00.003+08:00

somehow i feel that i am being pressurised and it makes me want to avoid it altogether. i just want to be left the way it started. don't try too hard. it makes me frightened. indeed.. i had been through this before, one time too many.. and i do not have any intention to put myself through it again. just let me be. don't bother asking. it gets irritating when one tries too hard, especially when you do not understand what is happening..

i am still waiting.. keeping my fingers crossed. i hope i get what i want! i really want it, very badly in fact.

and to you, i hope it's not another set of empty words and promises.. please do not disappoint..

however, it feels good to be recognised and i hope i did not disappoint either.. but to the student, i am sorry that you have to suffer from another scolding. but i really couldn't help it..

2010-02-05T14:06:00.003+08:00

I went for the interview, which was rather short.. Seems to me that they have the impression of my being SPORTY? I almost laughed out loud.. judging by my CCA records, I have no clue how they inferred that i was sporty.. Just because i was in sports committee? but how did girl guides sound like a sports to you..

oh wells, in any case, i hope that i will get what i hoped for though.. I stunned them when i said that i don't mind maths or D&T though.. D&T because someone tong feng bao xing to say that they are lacking teachers in that aspect.. it's all just in the hope of getting to the sec sch level..

boohoo.. give it to me please! then i got no worries about finding a job in a year's time and i don't have to worry about my tuition fees, hopefully..

keeping my fingers crossed..

now for retail therapy!!! till then..

2010-01-27T01:04:00.002+08:00

as the days pass, i realise how tiring it has been for me.. there has been so many issues, one after another. on mon, i did something that i thought i would feel glad or at least relieved.. instead, i felt sad. the kind of feeling i never expected myself to have for having done what i did.. in fact i felt like crying.. i wonder why.. i couldn't figure out why it actually hurts.. speaking from a third party's point of view, i probably see myself as a hypocrite.. but that was how i really felt.. before i put my hands on it, i told myself that i would be cold-hearted and say everything else no longer matter to me, just give me what i want, case closed.. however, after hearing what the other party said, i felt like saying it's ok.. i'll wait. but i guess i should be glad that i didn't.. although i didn't push for the extreme, i didn't let it go altogether. which means, i will probably have a easier life from now..

on the other hand, i never understood how one could behave like a devil and a saint concurrently.. i would prefer being the former..

i don't exactly explain myself over issues.. i do what i want and i plan my stuff just like most people does.. i do not like my plans to be ruined and i am sure nobody enjoys that.. but i don't see the relationship between explaining and planning.. i don't see why i should explain myself for everything i want to do.. you can say i am self-centered, but that's how i am.. and i don't expect anybody to have to give in to me.. similarly, i don't like to do things unwillingly.. because if i want to do it, i make sure i put in my best and do it well.. if i have to do it unwillingly, i know how slip shod my work can be, resulting in more upsets.. thus, i don't bother..

2009-12-15T00:57:00.001+08:00

it's a total waste of time from what i see now.. it does me no good other than making me hate myself even more.. i don't want this to drag on anymore.. i just want to get it over and done with.. so we don't get into each other's way any further.. don't want to get myself involved in this shit any further.. i feel like crap..

2009-12-06T00:46:00.002+08:00

mr Tan gave ms Chua a task that's almost impossible to be done by her! but planning is fun! reminds me of the days as a guider, planning for camps! to plan the things to do at the different times, the days when we were forced to play H2O with NCC.. stupid games that we dreaded so much but had to do so because our in-charge was in love with their in-charge! explains why we the guides and NCC were on so good terms that we even had our camps together! HOWEVER, our teacher in charge was on bad terms with theirs and they hated the joint camps so much, they had conflicts all the time!

the irony was, by the time we took over, history repeated itself because we are on rather good terms with the NCC. so we still played stupid games everyone dreaded.. difference was we, as in charge, didn't have to play! and the NCC in charge had to polish the our boots for us! muahaha...

those days, we hated yet missed them..

2009-12-04T22:58:00.002+08:00

as the days pass, it only gets worse.. everything seems so clear.. i see who you are.. it seems like you're nothing but selfish. all you can ever do is think of yourself.. when you needed help, you expected the whole world to help. once everything is over, you go missing. not a word of gratitude. to you, everything is rightful. you take things for granted. you think the whole world owes you a living..

but now, you are getting on my nerves. your actions are so immature.. you can't even behave your age and expect people to treat you like one. if things turn ugly, don't blame me.. you asked for it..

it's pointless being nice to people who do not know how to appreciate it.

2009-11-28T17:08:00.002+08:00

fark! why is this happening again and again?! why am i always the one that is being sacrificed! you treat me like crap and you expect me to be the one doing you favours! if all you want is to force me to leave home, i will! all you have to do is come and i will go! i don't want to have to go through all this shit! i want a place i call mine. i don't want to share everything i have! call me selfish, call me unfilial. i just want it to be mine and mine alone! all my life, i never expected to be loved or anything by you! but now that i am who i am, you expect me to be filial to you! you expect me to do to your bidding! what do you think you are?! a senior is supposed to be respected. i understand that fact. totally. but if you think because i have to respect you, so i have to give up what i have to you, it's not going to happen!

first, you don't want to stay with them. now that they have moved out, you want to move out too! fark! if that's the case, why do you insist so much?!

DAMN IT! AND I WAS SO RIGHT THAT THIS SAME ISSUE IS GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN! WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!

you can't expect me to think for you if all you think about is your fucking self! get out of my life if need be! i would be happier that way!

FUCK!

2009-08-29T23:45:00.000+08:00

yay! 1 new compliment to the driving skills! muahaha... i just don't understand why do fellow female drivers look down on their kind.. wells, what's wrong with a female driving like a male? isn't that good in the sense that you are not inferior compared to the males out there? damnit..

however, there's still room for improvement when it comes to road recognition.. totally.. at least i know how to get to woodlands now.. to and fro! but it's just so far! i don't wish to go there anymore! i still aspire to be driven than to drive! so, van, pls do something about it! don't be lazy anymore! haha..

life's never a breeze..

2009-07-29T09:25:00.002+08:00

yay! me love me uncle to the maxxxxx! one more item on the wishlist down! hopefully the first one is going to work since it can't be found in sg!

so if all goes well, i will get my shades and wallet.. plus puma pumps..

shall see what ben wants to get for the lens and i will get something else.. so that's not going to happen so soon..

haversack.. haven't seen one that i fancy..

watch.. may get it soon. saw this design that looks quite nice.. but ben says design not practical because the face is protruding.. so it's going to be scratched first.. but i like! and y poor titus is a goner.. boo hoo..

sweater.. still in search.. thanks to ben again..

all in all.. shopping with ben is good! because everything i say, he will find something to oppose.. so i end up not buying on impulse!

prada tote.. not so soon.. end of the yr perhaps.. or next yr.. hmm..

2009-07-27T16:19:00.001+08:00

yippee! so gonna get my puma shoes later.. and awaiting my sunglasses! totally love ben sososo much!

anyways, hongju, the wishlist is for me only! and not all very ex lo! like a watch is not ex? neither is a sweater? haha..

2009-07-23T11:06:00.002+08:00

wishlist:
1. LV wallet
2. Prada bag
3. that Prada Sunglasses (ben saw! =p)
4. Sweater
5. Puma pumps
6. DKNY Watch
7. Haversack
8. Lens for my 450D
more to come!

2009-07-23T08:17:00.002+08:00

why does it seem like relationships nowadays are so frail? people used to marry someone else that they probably have not seen before, let alone understand the other party. compared to then, people today choose their own spouse, get married out of free-will.. maybe not all the time but at least majority of the time, that's the wat it is.

So question is, why is the divorce rate getting higher? isn't the point "kids are always the ones who suffer the most" always highlighted, be it in shows or in reality? are parents being selfish then? or are they just self-centered that they live in their own worlds?

so amazing how u choose your own spouse, asked "Will you be my gf", said "I love you", asked "Will you marry me?" and eventually say "I want a divorce." like some QnA session.. crap..

2009-07-22T09:19:00.002+08:00

counting down to the end of attachment! excluding the weekends and today, it's 7 days!! no more early mornings and long distance travelling. however, school's no where better.. going to school for 1 hr and 2 hr on mondays and fridays, and the rest are long days.. that's besides the point though. what turns me off even more is the fact that 1 end at 6pm everyday be it a long day or not!.. only consolation is that thurs is a normal day.. bloody hell! cant's they have better planning to begin with?! arghhh.. damn it.. admin ppl..

2009-07-13T10:43:00.002+08:00

i feel so stressed out by all the issues.. i don't need to and i don't want to be involved.. why can't things be laid on the table and everyone clarify everything together? instead of back stabbing each other and on the other hand, ask them for help.. why? even so, can i not be involved? if need be, i'll disappear.. really.. i don't need such nonsese to make my life.. i have enough.. i am contented with wat i have.. so, if u wan to add on to the negative, choose someone else.. dun step beyond the circle of mine.. i would be grateful for it.. really.. just please leave me alone.. don't ask me out.. don't get me involved.. i wan no more of it.. i just wan to enjoy the nights out with the 2 conflict free ppl.. we are together and enjoy the company we share.. without any of us around, you think the other 2 of us will join?

act like adults.. stop behaving like kids..

2009-07-13T08:30:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wonder.. why is it that people enjoy being 2 headed snakes.. why is it that anybody can hurt a friend so long, and act as if nothing happened.. indeed, wow! u behaved like u were so nice, as if the whole world wronged you.. turns out, you were the cause of it all.. i'm totally disgusted! but i should thank you too, blessings in disguise.. because of all the nonsense that you said, we talked about it and there's no issue anymore!

i cannot imagine anybody to wish for a friend to be dead.. esp when you were not just friends but 'close' ones.. but at least that proved smth.. i was right in saying we should not think of others all the time because we never know when that person will turn their back at you..

comments on my driving yest..
1) can you drive slower?
2) your signal lights also spoil ar?
3) gal ar.. you know you are supposed to stop when you turn?
4) if it was a guy driving at that kind of speed still ok, but she's a girl! (like wth! why do girls always have to be inferior in issues like driving?) besides, half the time the comment is why u drive so slow today?

2009-07-09T15:06:00.002+08:00

it feels like crap.. unappreciated.. although it's been so long, i still feel like why did i ever do so much for you? is it even worth it? i wouldn't say you didn't give.. but oh wells, it's over.. nv am i going to look at it again.. let me move on, leaving those unhappiness behind..

2009-07-07T09:36:00.002+08:00

feels great to know i woke up this morning to be alive.. i saw the group of will, i didn't know him well. but we went to school together, we've seen each other, talked and hung out around sch. he was a great badminton player. as i look through the wall posts on facebook, tears started filling up my eyes. it certainly feels sad to know that a friend is gone. and start regretting why didn't we speak more back then. at least we will not only live in regret but revive those memories we had..

i dun wish to speak, i just want to be alone.

2009-07-03T14:26:00.003+08:00

jessleen enjoys being showered with love!

i had breakfast that was delivered to joo koon.. and was sent to the doorstep of the company.. how cool is that? and mr security guard asked, 'ur bf ar?' like straight in the face of us.. like omg.. but it really woke me up from feeling sleepy.. although sandwich was ugly looking, the effort was there.. like some da ge taking care of xiao mei.. still got umbrella.. haha!.

enjoying the rides that i'm being driven, be it on a car or on a bike.. and my dinner kakis..

and the 'bedtime' story that made me laugh so hard i couldn't sleep. it's been super long since i really laughed so much..

had a great dinner last night too! but yesterday was a bad day.. at least for 3 of us.. ='(

and it's been really long since i felt like a little girl who needs protection from the da ges and of course the da jie who brought me out for drinks.. i missed you so so much! i guess it's fate that brought us together, clicked so well although we didn't have much to say when it all started.. thank you! suddenly, the ppl ard me are all older than me.. but i seem to be enjoying the company..

yay! shower me with more of the love! and the times spent together were great! gossiping, complaining, drinking, being irritating! everything that we do together is plain sickening.. wonder why all of us enjoy arguing with each other so much.. at least at the end of the day, no hard feelings...

2009-07-01T09:45:00.002+08:00

guess what.. i'm so not excited about it anymore. and how i wish i can just give it a miss altogether.. yes.. i was irritated.. but that was yest. today, i dun feel. not anymore. although i haven't done anything, i shouldn't be complaining. yes. but stand in the point of a parent, i understand too. wells, i shall just shut.. keep quiet and not ask or bother.. just go and come back in one piece.

because i've got the best ride back home yest! like really. on a bike at high speeds, a track bike to be exact. and rider was so cool when he did the drift. dangerous yes. but i'm still alive! from joo koon to boon keng + jam due to the accident. an accident that took up two lanes. and from what i see, samuel was literally trying to run them over.. haha.. except for the bo hua part. super funny.. but braking at the last min all the time reminds me of my tp tester and that part was not fun..! because it means accelerating again and going through the jerks.. thanks to the jam at pie and at upper s'goon.. so sickening.. as we near my house, the traffic was still quite heavy and a car tried to get into the lane we're in.. like just cut only... i guess the bike was at his blind spot and as usual, many dun check blind spots.. like me! muahaha... so samuel drifted to avoid the collision and it was like the kind i see on videos! so cool.. but the whole drift was smooth.. felt quite safe. but the thought of it tells me it was dangerous for that to happen. if any car comes and doesnt stop in time from the next lane, so dead.. just like how i always felt when taxis stop suddenly and i happen to be behind.. no doubt i've been on different bikes rode by different ppl. each time was a different experience but i still love being on bikes! makes me wan to learn riding even more!. but as it comes along, more and more ppl are objecting to it.. boo..

johnson warned.. i knew.. hmm..

and i wonder.. why is it that all these ppl can be so nice to friends but so cold to their other halves.. sigh.. on a sidenote, why am i knowing more and more married ppl at like such young age! the guys are only 24/25 and are engaged/married alr but doesn't sound happy from what i know..

i learnt a lesson in life.. great lesson from a great mentor.. i shall not forget..

2009-06-29T10:50:00.002+08:00

had a darn great night out on friday.. supposedly with dawn and izwan but somehow johnson came along with a friend who was so great to bring along 3 other girls. and dawn's friends, zi yang and alex were there too. izwan was late and so we joined the two guys while waiting. we started at 9 plus near 10. but there was some dance competition going on at dbl O that night so we decided to go to O bar first. to break the ice, the finger games came into play and i felt so damn cheated! alex is such a bitch(not in a bad way though)! haha... first it was all the vodka and we saw some other ppl ordering the tequila shots and so, the guys decided to go for it at O bar too.. like crap.. dawn and i had like at least 4 at one go while the two guys only had 1.. so unfair! out to get the two of us drunk.. boo.. when we saw johnson's friend, he was like, don't know how to drink don't drink hor.. classic line! that got zi yang damn pissed for the whole night! haha...

and i hate it when guys turn violent when they are drunk.. johnson was a bitch to almost get into a fight at dbl O. best part, he drank less than dawn and i.. to think he kept coming to me, saying that i should know my limits! =p because of that, we went to nana.. hate tt place totally.. but nevertheless, zi yang, alex, dawn and i were more engaged in the finger game than the dance, singing of the thais and the nonsense of johnson's fren.. and seeing him stone while the rest of us laughed at the sight plus the occasional classic line coming from zi yang to irritate him was damn funny..

towards the end, we saw someone who couldn't even get himself to the washroom and started vomitting at his seat.. was like wtf.. all the arrogance and nth left.. poor guy.. but he's not fun to drink with.. i dun wish to drink with him again..

to johnson.. watch what you are doing.. time to behave.. you nv know when your cat may just appear.. bleah...

hopefully dawn uploads the pictures soon! the ugly sight of myself.. haha...

finally, i shall not drink beer, given a choice.. totally disgusted.. or rather, pls dun force beer on me...

2009-06-26T15:18:00.002+08:00

as i browse through the groups, i saw the websites and the pictures.

in pri sch, i remembered the camps that we had. the ones in school and the trip to lanjut. in school, as a bunch of us went for more food and played POLICE and THIEF, ran all over the school and suddenly saw a car.. we were told the scary history of the school being a hospital in WW2 and having all the dead buried underneath and a deserted house that has red roof and never seen anyone appearing in the pool or ard the house plus the banana look alike kind of trees. we thought we saw no one in the car that night. all of us freaked out and ran back to where the teachers and everyone else were. only to realise that we were locked in when we wanted to sneak out again. and the lollipop craze we had during the lanjut trip and all the confessions!. and i remembered we were suppposed to hold hands while walking back to class and my partner and i held pinkies! haha..

i was reminded of how we were standing in front of the whole school for not doing our science homework in sec 1. somehow the whole class was bonded and were notorious for upsetting all the teachers. when one of us stole from a fellow classmate, smoked and being held back for assembly during recess. and over time, we hid in the d&t staff room because see was there and skipped assembly totally until the class walked past and we smuggle ourselves in. those days when we made use of our authority to skip morning runs and laugh at our friends.

those were the days when everything was so simple. everyone so naive. i wan to go back to sch!

2009-06-12T09:57:00.002+08:00

it's gonna be a total random post to satisfy my randomness!

i bought so many things out of impulse! i intended to get a new pair of flip flops and went into num. was checking out the pair tt i wanted but decided it's not worth it. but the salesperson was so cute, i bought another pair without second thought. and he actually looks like julian hee to a certain extent. =p and it's thanks to you, bert! for making me wait an hr! boo!

went to the it fair, felt like some idiot walking ard in all tt crowd! and this booth was having some buy 3 get 1 free. and i only wanted a cooler and a skin. and i ended up getting another screen protector and a card reader for watever reasons, i dun know! bloody hell.. and bert looked like some idiot pushing a trolley with a 37'' tv tt was 3/4 his height plus he walked out wif 3 items tt costed prolly 30 bucks or more for free! coz there was no cashier and someone actually passed him a plastic bag! bloody hell! should haf gotten tt earphones too.. =p

woke up feeling really blissed! thanks to iswan for offering to send me to work at like 7am when he prolly got home ard morning and even bothered to wake up and get to boon keng from jln kayu to send me to joo koon and he goes back to jln kayu. =p tt's really very nice! very very sweet of a fren.. oh wells, as always, i love being driven!

and van was nice enuff to be there, cheering me up. =) making me smile.

and it was daddy's bday yest! comtemplating between a hi fi set, a massage chair or a pair of shoes! hmm...

yest was a random day but was a great day! havent felt this great in such a long time!

2009-06-10T15:14:00.002+08:00

although wedding was a flop, i gained real good experience and made great friends. we met for the first time, esp the brothers. but we hit it off quite well. and the girls! really fun loving ppl. not all of them. at least half of them.

i always thought such friendships don't last. after the event is over, it's gone. from experience, obs, pre-u sem and the camps. but this feels different. they are all older than me, with most of them getting married or already married. but we are still contacting. and soon, we will start planning for another wedding! the dearest ger.

this time, i'm sure it's gonna be so fun coz it's a church wedding plus a chalet! and it's not gonna be last min!

i feel so blissed!

2009-06-08T08:36:00.002+08:00

worst planned wedding ever! with the worst person ever! no planning, irresponsible and disregards all opinions from everyone except those who talk and does nothing! bloody hell! if you are so bloody reluctant, then don't marry! everybody did so much for u, went without slp and all you can ever do is to complain!

other couples start preparing a year or so ago before the day itself and you plan a few months before. but for you, plans are just plans. all talks no actions. and you expect us to do what you want without telling us and changing as and when u feel like it. as if we didn't need time to prepare.

first problem that we had to solve, get a roast pig on the spot! you told me that the pig can be bought on the spot when i told you to order it in advance. and when we got to the groom's, there was no roast pig and the brothers had to go from tiong bahru to balestier to ubi before we managed to find one. but count yourself lucky that we even managed to find one.

second, you had NO photographer at all. one of us happened to bring one and started taking photographs for you. else, you would have no photos of your wedding at least for the day, at all! and you still had the cheek to complain about why there was no video recording when you didn't tell anybody about the camera, let alone the video part. Dun you know what's feeling grateful?!

third, you expect the guys to do all the driving, and yes, they agreed. but did you have to make things so f-ing difficult for them?! you had 4 ppl driving and you expect one of them to make 3 trips just to satisfy your damn nonsensical and ridiculous requests? he sent 3 of us to the restaurant and you expect him to go and pick your in-laws over first then make another trip to pick your mum up. when both your in-laws and mum stay at the same area! just a few streets away! and you cant ask any of the other 3 to do it the second instead! besides, your cousins took a cab over to the restaurant from your house! your mum said she could take a cab with them but you insisted on getting tt person to drive her! did you spare a thought for them?! all of them didn't sleep the day before and they have been driving ard for the whole day! one of them even got into an accident!

you expect us to reach early to do up the place but the least you could do was send some help over when you knew you sent the guy who drove us over to drive your whoever-s! it ended up with the 3 girls carrying all your gowns and suits, your decoration stuff and all the ridiculous things that we said were not needed into everything and expect 3 girls in heels and a dress, nicely done up to carry from the car park to the restaurant and the escalator was not working! we had to climb the flight of escalators tt was at least 2 storeys high! with all the heavy stuff! and one of us was suffering from gastric! and you could still complain bout how much things you had to drive over from the hotel when you are not even required to touch them at all! all you had to do is, so wat you do best, call and demand everybody to go down and help and you can sashay your way up to the restaurant! so, why are you complaining at all?!

fourth, for months you said that you will provide the emcee with their speech. 2 months ago, you said that. 2 weeks ago, you still said the same thing. 2 days ago, you still havent got it done and refused to say. 2 hrs ago, there was still nth! and when we eventually got it, it was 10 mins before the whole thing started. and the chinese and english versions were totally 2 different speeches! and so, we had to do the translation and get them to familiarise in that damn 10 mins! and you got someone who cant exactly read chi to be the emcee and i had to literally write the han yu pin ying, also within tt 10 mins!

fifth, you had no idea when you wanted things! like how many march-ins and at what time you want to do it. and when we asked, for confusion to be solved, you kp and said you were very busy when you were just sitting there, while the makeup artist did your make up!

you showed no appreciation at all! and you made us waste so much time doing all the things for you, and just because you changed your mind, you used none of it! not like any one of us are paid to do it can! bloody hell! not even a word of thank you did we hear! you kept wanting changes and we had to do it for you! do you know how tired everybody were?! how pissed every single one of us were?! we were already irritated by your nonsense! if you can't plan, jolly well get a planner or if you wanted to save tt money, accept help from people who offered!! instead of taking things into your own hands and nth gets done! it's worse when we have to solve all your last min things!

TOTALLY IRRITATED!

2009-01-19T16:19:00.002+08:00

i can't wait to shoot, shoot and shoot all the beautiful things with my beloved 450d. so what if a dslr tt costs 1k+ is being used to shoot some human, like any other digital cameras do? did anyone say tt a dslr has to be used to shoot insects or the sunset and sunrise? if that's what you think a dslr should do, tt's your problem. to me, as long as it's beautiful things, they should be captured. whether it's a dslr or not. even if it my grandfather's smile or a stranger by the roads. it doesn't matter. if you know how to appreciate them, you wouldn't be saying tt. and i bet you can't make out the fact that some of the pictures taken were more than juz a human. talking to you is a waste of my time, so i didn't bother arguing or anything. so, please do not talk to me, you're not worth my efforts. someone who thinks so highly of yourself and puts the whole world down, including people who helped you so much. don't take everything for granted and my mother's not your free maid, if you need one, get it. don't expect my mother to help you babysit and everything as if she owed you and starting wagging your tongues about how much she needed you because she don't!

things i'm considering to do:
1) get my mani and pedi done b4 cny.
2) book a chalet for a class gathering with mr kek.
3) a bbq at grandfather's for my 21st bday, or simply book a chalet.
4) get more clothes.
5) love my boy more.
6) save up to get a new lens.

that's all for now. cny is coming. time to build up the atmosphere. but i'm still undecided how my clothes should be matched and which onese to wear! simply too many of them and i feel like buying more! muahahaha!!! the spending time is here yet again!!!

2008-10-28T18:27:00.003+08:00

it's been so long that i realised i forgot my username and password! boohoo!!

but blogging seems to be the last thing on my mind now. so many things to do, so many unfinished stuffs. 24hrs seem to be so little now that the days are nearing, paces getting faster with each day. sometimes i really wonder why so many people can update like everyday or at least almost everyday. is there really so much to blog, so many things worth blogging?

ohwells, different people set different priorities in life. and some simply have the luxury of time, perhaps they are so good, they dun haf to do their work or perhaps they simply have nothing better to do. it all lies with the individual.

relationships among people can be so disgusting that everyone tries to guess wat's on each other's minds but perhaps, the last thing to do is to try too hard or to be a hypocrite. because, personally, either of the two will not bring you happiness.

if u're unhappy, speak up. why hide your feelings and still try to be nice? it just gets worse but by venting or screaming, you let urself be known and at least, u feel better. or at the very least, that's wat i tink is best for me!!! =) *SCREAM* dude...

2008-08-03T22:48:00.002+08:00

Why am i involved in all these kind of shit when it has totally nth to do with me?!?! And who are u to gauge what kind of a person am i?! If i'm stupid, what are you?! A total WHORE who bloody have no future and goes ard slping with guys! Fancy an ill-mannered bitch who knows nothing about privacy and manners talking to me about manners! You don't even have the basic courtesy to ask for my number! All you could do was to take it from your pfone just because someone who has my number transferred his contacts to your fucking phone! Besides, fucking think about it! You are asking me for a favour, so, jolly well ask properly! If tt's your kind of fucking attitude, too bad! Wait for your time to come! Try to be funny with me and you won't get things your damn way! Just too bad you're messing with the wrong person! Who told you to be so stupid as to let someone who doesn't have the ability to pay play so big? And tt's just too bad you don't get things done! HA! Even if i'm being stupid to help, i get to CHOOSE whether i WANT to help or not! I HAVE A CHOICE! But do you?! You DON'T even get to choose whether you want to or not because you've alr done it! ALL you can do is to sit and wait happily for him to return! I'm laughing loud at your bloody stupidity! BOOHOO!!! sad case! BITCH!

2008-06-26T23:37:00.002+08:00

admin's not for me! totally! especially amongst a group of aunties who can hardly type. nv understood why ppl haf to type so HARD, as if the keyboard did them wrong and they are taking their revenge by hitting so hard on them! and wat's more, with one finger. and den everyday they tok bout the same topic over lunch, thinking that i'm some genius who've learnt everything that makes me a professional engineer, asking if i've learnt how to draw this and that, do this and that almost everyday when i've repeatedly said that i'm onli in yr 1!!! and it's been more than a week and they still insist on that! besides they pile u with so much work as if every sec, u cost 1000 bucks. they dun let u stop for even a sec! an eg is to make u sort some damn papewr from years ago that was meant to be disposed. and years meant at least 9 years! so old that silver bucks haf grown so big, they covered two sections of my little finger... and also make u do the most amazing job that can nv be done! to insert footers into a piece of paper with information tt covered to almost the end of the paper! and hello! it's juz putting it into the printer and changing a no. does it kill to do tt?! and to tink u act as if u are so busy, u gossip behind the table! boo! i wan to get out of it asap! but tt means nth better to do! so, i shall juz hang on for a little while more. juz one month. but sitting in front of the com for the whole day is tiring enuff. soon, i will haf to be working from 9am - 9pm! damn.. i bet i'll be so damn shag i look like some old woman. no beauty sleep! but i believe the last two hrs from 7-9pm will be happier since i'll be facing those cute little boys and girls who keep trying all sorts of methods to disturb u by speaking in all sorts of languages trying to make u believe they are from some other country apart from where they come from and ask u the simplest qn that they can do juz because they wan to while their time away. besides, it's good pay! the other time, it was $15/hr and now it's $20/hr! not bad! that means in 2 hrs, by walking ard and answering some qns, i'll earn just slightly less than i do, sitting in the office, facing aunties, doing so much! so, i shall not complain! =)

SmITH!!!! when are we meeting?!?!?!?! i've been waiting... waiting.. waiting... and waiting till the flowers wither alr!!!

2008-06-11T22:36:00.003+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!!! I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH! U'RE THE LOVELIEST, CUTEST, SWEETEST DAD EVER! WENT FOR DINNER AS USUAL BUT IT'S MY TREAT!!! HOPE YOU ENJOYED UR DINNER!

BUT THANKS! MY LAST FEW HOURS OF THE DAY'S RUINED! TOTALLY! HATE IT! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SPOIL MY DAY FOR ME?! FUCK! HATE EVERYTHING TOTALLY!

2008-06-04T02:06:00.002+08:00

always been amazed by how ppl could be told off but repeats it all over again. some ppl juz never learn while some just refuse to accept. but does that mean that when someone care, u haf to be so nice to scream at that person, telling that person just how lousy he/she is and that he/she is juz looking for nth but more trouble. more chances of being told off. more chances of being put down. as if you are nth worth more than just the dirt and the dust. do u really want to be another victim of regretting only when u realised u lost it? by then, isn't it juz too late? why dun u cherish the opportunity now, learn it and do it well?

what's the point of telling him how much you love him onli to realise that he's gone? why didn't you realise that someday, he may jux leave without warning and you'll never have a chance to tell him how much you love him? how much you wan to say that you're sorry and that you've realised it? why? can anyone just tell me why man is so selfish and that they onli realise things too late? no one is perfect. that's for sure. but is regretting upon losing one of the flaws implanted in the blood of all mankind?

look at things from different perspectives and you realise how stupid you can be to be doing such things without thinking of the consequences. there's no point in saying sorry when u noe u've hurt someone so deep. it is onli too late. too late to try to mend a broken heart for u should have thought about it before saying it in spite of an anger.

it's just too late............

2008-05-20T00:14:00.002+08:00

been enjoying every single day of my hols since 11days back. the emo jess came back again. sometimes i wonder, why izzit that these kind of things have to happen all the time. to the ppl who haf lousy spouses. some spouse could only do things to irritate and add on to the stress level of their partners. all they could do is ask for money, argue and freaking ACT... what's the point of saying things when it's alr too late. when ur partner cant respond anymore. when nobody's ard, it seemed to me that u cant care less. all u could do is chat and be out of sight. when everyone's ard, u start to act as if u were such a great wife who noes ur mistake and am trying to make up for it. but pls wake up from ur stupid idea! it's juz too late! stop acting! i hate ur sight! u look like so ugly to me! so ugly that i feel like covering ur face wif some mud or ever shit! damn. why cant u be the one instead? and wat's the point of having so many children when all they could do is ask for money. i've been there on several occasions when i NEVER seen u by the bed! and for the first time i saw u, u were juz using ur damn laptop far from sight. everybody shed tears but as a daughter, u could only stand there and STARE! wat's the point of treating u so nicely! he loves u so much and u cant be bothered!
how could there be such ppl?! there have to be at least one family like this from both sides of my paternal and maternal relatives. DAMN! why cant u ppl be nicer?! cant u appreciate the things done for u at the expense of so much! shit!
i pray for a miracle although chances are slim. although i have once been bad, i appreciate wat u've done, the care u've showed since young. thank u. there's nth much i can do, but everybody cared!
and i received another news that occurred to a fren. happened to be in the same hospital and ward. haix. why do bad things come one after another. why do cyclists haf to ride on the road and cant be bothered when there are cars or even buses behind them. although u could, but spare a thought for ur life too. i hope u get well soon. wake up from coma and enjoy life yet again. =)

2008-05-06T00:48:00.004+08:00

how exciting life as a pri skool kid today can be... 2 boys actually fought wif 6 other boys in skool and it was a police case. the police had to go to the hostel tis evening and i wonder how it went.. but i guess things would just be fine.. they are juz pri 5 kids.. wat could they do? and kids can really be frenly when they are comfortable with u.. hmmx.. but i'm amazed by my ability to do a ratio and proportion qn. something i dreaded back den and nv did well. but the other 2 supervisors were worst! =x they forgot more than i did! muahahaha! so they end up throwing all the qns to me! kns! and i was interrogated by them for being late on the way home. they are quite nice ppl though. quite frenly tt u wun feel awkward wif them.. =) and thanks for sending me home on the first meeting! i guess i will be working wif at least one of them quite often? pls dun let me meet un nice ppl! the kids are nice. supervisors i met so far were nice.. so, keep it at tt! and yes! if u manage to get 50bucks an hr, i dun mind! tell me and i'll reject the job for the sake of the higher pay too! haha..

oh! a few of the little kids there kept asking if i am a singaporean and insisted that i am a japanese! so, i guess those taiwanese who thought that smith and i couldn't understand chinese, thinking that we were japanese may come along tt line too.. or do u look more and more like a japanese becoz u enjoy japanese food?! muahahah... next working day, fri! cannot be late!

oh.. and did i mention tt i went running today! it was a super unfruitful trip.. no stamina at all! and i feel like dying onli after a while! but wat remains is the dizzy spells i used to get back den, i still do! damn! i shall start running everyday! i will try! haha..

2008-05-03T21:03:00.002+08:00

finally, end of exams! havoc time!

went for steamboat at golden mile and for once arcade was fun! thanks to the guys who spent all the time on one game, kiat and i found some entertainment for ourselves and eventually finding the both of us being lovers in one of the games! we killed creatures, ghosts and ppl in 3 games! for the first time, i played wif a gun! haha!!! but still, fun!

aft tt, we went for selegie tou hua and den headed down to hong ju's house! played bridge and risk and i found out tt i'm really quite lousy in conquering lands! omg! but it's still quite fun lahz! haha.. and den to thomson for some prata and minced meat noodles.. before we noe it, it's already 4+am!

supervising was quite fun too! the kids are really quite cute and nice. but i realised my phy really sucked! having to tink of my o's phy all of a sudden was really quite challenging. though it was the first time they saw me, they were really quite nice!! guess i will enjoy tt 2 hrs.. but sadly, for 2 hrs u have to stand! muahaha!

up next is night cycling! hopefully it gets carried out! =)

2008-05-01T23:56:00.002+08:00

HAPPY 1 YEAR! it's been a year and hopefully there will be many more yrs to come. sadly, there wasnt any celebration as i was cooped in the NO RECEPTION discussion room 3! boo! but let's celebrate on sat instead! =) yippee!

it's officially the end of the exams at 4.30pm on 2nd may 2008! so it's time to celebrate and enjoy every single day of the 3mths hols! and so, everyday will be a activity filled day! and it's time to get a job!

cant wait!

2008-04-13T19:18:00.002+08:00

if u say i'm part of u, perhaps i'm the appendix which means nth at all. unimportant and whether it's there or not doesn't really matter since it does nth but collect food. and having it means having a chance of appendicities but all u need is a minor surgery to have it removed. and when it's not there, it doesn't cause any worry since it does nth. like a useless thing in the body which u dun even noe why it has to be there.

the same issue happens again and again. seems like it will nv end. and ur words of assurance onli mean more hurt sometime later. coz somehow, it doesn't really matter to u. u seem more interested in ur 'hobbies' than to have the time to spare a little thought for me. and at the end of the day, the best reason off-hand becomes 'too many complications to end it'. and at the same time, my fault for kicking a fuss, creating a mountain out of a molehill. but tt's to u but not to me. coz to me, u are not insignificant and anything to do wif u becomes more that just nothing. but i cant say the same for you.

THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!!!! U LOOK MORE DISGUSTING TO ME THAN EVER. NOBODY I DON'T EXACTLY KNOW LOOKS SO DISGUSTING LIKE YOU DO, NOT EVEN THAT GER IN UNI. BUT BEAUTY LIES IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER. SO PERHAPS, TO GUYS, U LOOK LIKE A BLOODY ANGEL!!!! OR PERHAPS U'RE JUZ GOOD AT PUTTING ON A DIFFERENT MASK INFRONT OF UR FAV. GUYS! SHIT FACE!

2008-03-10T22:22:00.003+08:00

indeed, it's been a long time since i last updated. but do you have significant things to talk about everyday? perhaps, for some, there is. for those who live everyday so crazily like attempting to do something different, good or bad, to themselves or to others, but that person is definitely not me. that's one reason why i dun expect myself to be updating everyday. perhaps, i laughed real hard today. or i could have cried real bad. perhaps, they are smth to talk about. but that's making my blog emo-er than ever. so wat's the point?

anyways, i dun see a point in this update either. becoz wat i wan to do is to juz scream and cry my heart out.

I WANT TO GO TO THE ZOO.
I WANT TO GO CYCLING.
I WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH.
I WANT TO LAUGH AND CRY WITH YOU.
I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU.
I WANT TO SAY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, FOR BEING THERE. (TO MY FRIENDS AND MY LOVED ONES)
I WANT TO SAY THAT MY LIFE'S GREAT BECAUSE OF YOU, (EVEN IF I DON'T KNOW YOU, EVEN IF WE MERELY CROSSED PATHS BECAUSE IF YOU DIDN'T APPEAR, PERHAPS I WILL NEVER KNOW MY EXISTENCE.)
I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR UR ENCOURAGING WORDS.
I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR PISSING ME OFF TO REMIND ME THAT I'M BUT A PERSON, WITH EMOTIONS.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT BY PUTTING ME DOWN, YOU'RE FORCING ME TO STAND UP.

2008-02-22T15:15:00.002+08:00

常常在独自一人的深夜里落泪。一直在脑海里反复的是你我之间读过的时间。不知为和对于这段感情那么执著。回想起那些自己那么执著的回应，也不了事否真确。执著也许会让比次的伤害更深，到最后也弥补不了什么。可能真的就是这样。人往往在拥有时不够珍惜，到了快要失去时才拼命想挽留。把自己弄得那么狼狈，但最终，结果可能比想象中更难接受。可是，狼狈，伤心，痛苦，眼泪，一切的一切，如果没试过，又怎么知道一定会失败呢？如过有所帮助，又何妨？

2008-02-16T10:48:00.002+08:00

went visiting yest. yes, it's the dear teacher of mine, mr kek. but it seems to me that he's health is going downhill and he looks older each yr. was supposed to go for a bypass but fortunately, the doctors found the hole a very small and so the bypass is not needed and a stand could be used to expand the blood vessels so that it's not clogged so badly. and he very unhappy about not being able to work for the whole yr last yr. but we were quite glad bout it. if not for work, he wud haf been able to rest more yrs back. wells, at least he gets to work tis yr as a teacher teaching non chi how to converse in chi, just once a week. hope his health gets better.

following, went to see's hse. ariel's still super cute! when i entered, she din wan to finish her dinner and wants me to carry! but she's still so playful! behaves like a monkey! climbs up and down and so rough towards her little sister! but when we were leaving, she suddenly became so emo. she refused to speak or do anything. and she cried after that saying that she wants jie jie to bring her to the playground. also keeps asking for jie jie to play wif her. no wonder they say that even with her little sister, ppl will still dote on her more than her little sister coz her sister's totally opposite. she dn't enjoy thrills. and she onli wants to sit alone and play with her toy.

2008-01-30T15:58:00.000+08:00

i'm officially a QUALIFIED DRIVER! after so much, after so long, finally!!! now i get to drive to anywhere when i'm unhappy. when i wan to be alone! but, prob now is, i still dun noe roads well! so, perhaps, in time to come.

i'm so going to love the no. 4!!! my car was 40, test route 4, since pri skool my index no haf been 4 for i dunno how many years! 4, 4, 4, 4 and more 4s!!!

i'm not sure if u're ever going to see tis, i love u so so so much! thanks for everything. as much as me being a very lousy gf. sorry. and there's so much more i wan to say to u!

nth very much to update since my life's pathetically sad and emo. Since i'm EMO JESS as always! so, i'll just live with it!

2008-01-26T01:38:00.000+08:00

why is it that we have to always be living in misery, in agony? why cant life be ever so smooth sailing with everything in place, in a way that there's nothing like sadness and tears? why must there always be things or people to bring you down, out of cloud nine? it takes only one thing, even if it's insignificant, to spoil the day.

i really don't like it that way. i don't want to feel so insignificant in your life. i don't want to say 'i love you for who you are' just for the sake of it. and even if it's true, i don't want it to be for that moment only. but, it happens. it just have to happen every time. every single time. now, no matter how bad i don't want something to happen, i'll just accept it with a smile. and say, 'it's ok, really'. it happened so many times already but you never get my hint. never once.

if only you know how disappointed i am. if only youknow how upset it could get. if only, if only. perhaps, it's just wishful thinking on my part. perhaps we will never understand, till the day we lay flat on our deathbeds, we'll never be able to understand, never be able to be honest.

i pity myself so much. but i hope all my friends will live each day happily, esp my dearest who have been through so much with me. for 18 years.

so now, it shall be back to my critical writing!

2008-01-23T11:25:00.000+08:00

What's wrong with guys trying to stop their girlfriends from going clubbing and stuffs? It's not like a weekly thing? It's just during occasions that they actually agree to go, for support or for fun. What's wrong with that? Not like as guys yourselves, u don't go? So, are you going to say "since you don't like it, i'll turn them down." It really isn't. You're just going to say, "Why not?! It's just for fun, with my group of friends. You know them too." And you kick up a damn fuss over it. But when it's the other way round, you think it's totally absurd! Crap! Isn't it? You expect us not to do it because you assume that as girls, we will let guys go all over us, hit on us and reciprocate, but you are not going to do the same! In fact, it's not the same at all! Since you are the ones hitting on the girls out there!

***K OFF! Bloody baskets!

ps: The above is not what you think it is. Don't bother using inferential skills on them!

Don't expect girls to do whatever you say, when you're not going to do the same! So, what's the ***king point? The point here is, NO POINT!

You don't have a choice but to accept the fact that you're just MCPs! Don't even try to deny for 10 years down the road, you're still the same!

Conclusion: I'm not going to think about your feelings since you don't bother! And let's just get on with each other's life without trying to interfere with what i want to do. You're but a boyfriend. Even my parents don't try to restrict me, so who are you to do it?

2008-01-22T22:27:00.000+08:00

thanks to all those dearies of mine who bothered reading my previous post. esp to those who still love me! =) i love you too! wells, as much as it may had sounded very unhappy, and it's something really very personal. had a mind battle, having difficulties deciding whether to click the 'post' buttom or not. at the end of the day, i'm quite glad i did. and i'm really grateful to know that there's ppl who bother reading. =) but i'll be strong! i'll take things easy! let nature take it's course! for what's meant to be will be.

if u try to grip sand too tightly, u'll realise that it will still slip out of your hands through the gaps between ur fingers.

2008-01-19T18:58:00.000+08:00

不喜欢这种感觉。害怕，无助的感觉。很讨厌，但对你而言，也许我什么都不是。对你的心也慢慢一点一滴地变成了失望。想放弃的感觉也越来越强烈。可能对那个以朋友，兴趣为重的你来说，我根本一点都不重要吧。因为我既不是你的朋友更不是个兴趣。我只不过是个朋友都不如，不小心走进了你的圈圈，自以为了不起，不知所谓的笨蛋。

事实上，对我说过的话，不知道你那些话是真的，那些是假的。不知道几时是事实，什么是谎言。终而言之你已把我伤得很深。对你的心也已经不知如何对待你了。常常有朋友问我和你的事，我根本不知如何回应。事情已经到了定点。我已死了心。对你的事也不想理睬。放弃了对你的心，也放弃了对你的坚持。

眼泪不留了。心也死了。如今还有什么事是值得等待，值得可望的？又有谁能告诉我呢？

2008-01-05T18:13:00.000+08:00

upset and unhappy.. yet who really knows.. who really cares.. perhaps, i'm better off alone.. wanted to go to the beach, agreed. but still, as expected, it's not going to turn out just right. why is it that each time i want something, and being agreed on, it turns out the other way round. why can't 2 person be more honest with each other? why can't they speak their minds? are things so difficult? is it all my fault? am i really that difficult to handle? it really feels so tough to hang on. am i that difficult to handle? i hate to cry but it seems like everything is coming to an end for me. a failure. good at nothing. not in my studies, not in my interpersonal skills, not in work. nothing. absolutely nothing. sigh.

what am i working so hard for when things never go my way. everything is determined by everybody else, anything else, everything else but me. so why do i bother? why should i even bother to do anything, just to make myself unhappy over everything? what's the damn point? could anybody just bring me back to this harsh reality whereby everything is just so fake, everybody so pretentious. everybody could be lying to make me feel better, thinking that i'm but a fool who knows nuts about everything that's happening, someday, perhaps, even the one you think closest to you may be lying, doing things behind yyour back and yet treat you as if nothing has happened.

i'm only someone who's supposed to be enjoying my life, be true about everything, thinking that things will eventually turn out well. why is it that i have to go through so much that so many people don't have to? yet the irony is that people out there whom they think know me very well feels that things are going very smoothly in my life.

mind's in a whirl. feeling confused about everything. feeling lost and disappointed in myself. life's a mess. why does everything bad befall on me all at the same time. why is it that there's nothing i can do to make myself feel better? sigh.

don't take me for a fool. i'm not what you think i am. i'm still that girl you knew back then. not the one who gives in to you so easily. you disappointed me. i never imagined you to do such a thing to me. to think those were the things that you said. those things that came from you back then and yet, i never expected that from you.. it's never possible. never. ever.

2007-12-17T00:48:00.000+08:00

hating myself totally!! feel so pretentious and fake. fren's upset, fren's emo but i could tell them with a smile, not to worry. but deep down, i'm feeling like shit too. why do i have to pretend like i'm so fine when i'm not. i don't like this kind of myself. it feels like shit and laughters were not from within. it's juz for show. forcing them out of me. I HATE ME!! can someone just slap me back to reality? let me be who i am. the one who's confident and ego if it has to be. i dun wan to live the rest of my life like this! it's really shit! OUT OF THIS DAMN PLACE!

someone taught me this today. "although deep down u know it's not going to last but since u're in it already, then make the best out of it and let it run for as long as u can."

and practise wat u preach! that is, smile when u're unhappy! u're not going to take my place and be the new emo king! =)

2007-12-12T17:13:00.001+08:00

wat's wrong with capital letters? i don't understand. if ppl could type their entries in small letters, why can't i type them in capital letters?! lalala.. oh wells, ...

i dreamt of XOXO.. a very weird yet real dream. since the day i knew XOXO, XOXO never appeared in my dreams before. not even during the saddest period this year. but why so random?! hmmx.. the dream went like this. we were, as usual, engaged in our own conversation whereby no one really knows what we are toking bout but just us. and people start poking their heads, asking what's so funny? and then after that incident, we went into a state of weird friendship. and then in the dream was when things were fine. just fine, and as usual, we met to study in school. and i was late again. for 2 hours doing some stuffs and then XOXO msged saying that XOXO's wasted 2 hrs playing chess. totally hilarious! and i replied with apologies and walked pass the clubroom XOXO was in and we smiled at each other. soon after, we met up to start studying after being nagged for a while. when we got to the library or some study area, we say some of the people i know studying too, giving me evil grins.
and then i woke up. was real yet unreal. hmmx. but wells, at least it was a nice dream, not some nightmare that got me frightened awake. wells, wells, wells, let sweet dreams continue!!! =)i don't mind having more of such silly dreams though. better than those senseless people who i wish i never have to meet.

sweetie's exams are gonna be over soon! cool! can meet up often!!! =)

and i'll pray that boy will be able to memorise his lyrics well and perform well later. ganbateh! =)

2007-12-09T23:08:00.000+08:00

DEDICATED TO LOVAJANA ESPECIALLY!

SORRY FOR HAVING TO POSTPONE AGAIN AND AGAIN DUE TO UNFORSEEN CIRCUMSTANCES. I KNOW THAT YOU'RE FEELING VERY DISAPPOINTED, VERY UPSET BY WHAT HAPPENED. TUESDAY'S MOVIE SHALL BE MY TREAT OK! NO MORE POSTPONES. SORRY FOR PANG-SEH-ING. LET THIS LOUSY FRIEND OF YOURS GIVE YOU SOME LITTLE SURPRISE TO CHEER YOU UP A LITTLE! NOT LIKE IT'S GOING TO DO MUCH, BUT AT LEAST I TRIED! =) YOU'RE THE LOUSIEST FRIEND WHO CALLS AND WAKES ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT JUST TO LISTEN TO YOUR NONSENSE AND REFUSE TO LET ME SLEEP! AND THAT LASTED FOR A FEW MONTHS AT LEAST! BOO! BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE SO UNHAPPY, I GIVE YOU THE PRIVILEDGE TO GIVE ME A CALL WHENEVER YOU NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO YOU. BE IT 2 AM, 4AM, 10AM, 5PM, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, 24/7 OK! CHEER UP DUDE! FOR ONCE I WILL SAY YOU'RE NOT THAT UGLY AFTER ALL. =P

I'M SORRY AND TUES! SET!!! =) TAKE CARE ALRIGHT.

2007-12-08T22:26:00.000+08:00

JESS IS UNHAPPY!!! JESS HATES TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED. WHO IN THE WORLD ENJOYS IT ANYWAY. SO, DON'T DO IT UNTO OTHERS IF YOU DO NOT WANT OTHERS TO DO IT ONTO YOU!!!

I'VE SAID ALL I EVER WANTED. REPEATING MEANS IT'S POINTLESS ANYMORE. AND IF THERE'S A NEED FOR SORRY, IT SIMPLY MEANS THAT HURT HAS BEEN DONE. SO IF YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE GOING TO INFLICT HARM TO THAT PERSON, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO IT?

IF AFTER READING, AND YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN, PERHAPS, YOU'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO TO PROVE THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT PERSON ANYMORE.

BUT THINGS BETWEEN ME AND THE DEAR FRIEND OF MINE SEEMS FINE ALREADY. OR AT LEAST, IT'S BACK TO HOW THINGS USED TO BE BEFORE THAT INCIDENT. SO, I'M GLAD ABOUT IT ALREADY.

BUT THANK YOU DADDY! FOR THE NEW CHOCOLATE HI-FI PLAYER!

I LOVE IT TOTALLY, I LOVE DADDY SO MUCH TOO!!!

NOTHING MUCH TO UPDATE EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT EXAMS ARE OVER, GOTTEN RID OF IT FOR ONE WHOLE MONTH AND THERE'S NO MORE STRESS! =)BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, I AM SAD, UNHAPPY SINCE THE DAY AFTER EXAMS.

AND PLEASE DON'T PROBE! I DO EVERYTHING FOR MY REASONS. BUT SOMETIMES REASONS NEED NOT BE TOLD. SO IF I CHOOSE NOT TO SAY ANYTHING, DON'T TRY TO PRY OPEN TO KNOW ABOUT IT!

2007-11-12T01:21:00.000+08:00

feeling very unhappy... for i'm reminded of so much, so much to cope with and i'm not sure where and what i want in myself..

i'm sorry boy, i shouldn't have made u worry.. and all tt happened today, shldn't haf.. but i juz felt very lost.. somehow, many tings came to mind and i just didn't noe how i could put things across.. i'm sorry.. and i juz feel that perhaps, things are going to change soon.. watever the case, u'll be doing ur duty tml, so if u ever feel bored or lonely, i'm just a call away..! =)

thanks to u, my dear fren who have been there for me since the start of skool.. =) thanks for always listening.. thanks for being so encouraging always.. thanks for everything and even though there are some changes to this friendship, i thank you for being there.. if we hadn't crossed paths, perhaps, i wud have given up on this long ago.. and finally, thanks for wanting to know and trying to open me up..
though it wasn't for long, it made quite an impact on this few months of my life.. u never failed to put a smile on me.. even when we made fun of each other alot.. ok.. maybe i was mean.. but u knew i dun mean those thing tt i said..
perhaps, after wed, we're nv gonna cross paths again.. but if we do, hopefully things ar gonna be neutral.. wells, u're probably nv gonna see this but i still want to say thanks and that this frenship mean a lot to me.. TAKE CARE MY FREN..
*u remind me of this great fren of mine but things turned out fine, so i'll hope tt for tis it will too..

*smile when u're unhappy.. =)

2007-11-03T13:37:00.000+08:00

it's already been half a yr.. been thru so much... bad and good.. though it's been more of bad than good but we're still going strong.. =) there has never been much surprises though hoping for it, but still, it's not going to mean that i'm gonna give up so easily... as much as i hope for more surprises, more sweet stuffs, but not wells, it's juz hopes... hopeing tt someday, something's gonna change and i'm gonna be a happier girl.. and we will be a happier couple...

yummy food!! it's boy's butter beef rice..

and this is girl's seafood pasta!! yummy yum yum..

this is the key to our ~~hotel room~~ ~bleah* bill!

it's exactly the room key wif ur room no on it.. we're room no. 10! and boy said tt we will go back on our 10th month.. =p

the boy who dun love the girl anymore.. ='(

as always, tis look.. boo!! boy, it's time to smile more nicely!!! =p

i love my boy!! alrite.. i hope my boy love me too... hahaz..

2007-10-30T18:19:00.000+08:00

1 sem is going to pass by just like that.. omg.. i probably am going to fail all my modules lahz!! shit!!! muz really really start mugging!!! no more distractions!!! ahhh!!! to think i'm still blogging when i'm supposed to be studying for eg quiz on sat and finals!!! i don't want to fail! ='( QQ... i'm missing out on all the fun i used to haf!!!

in pri skool, we juz play and play, enjoy and watch tv everyday... and when we went on to secondary skool, we still enjoy going out, watch movies, go shopping and grow... and during o's, we try as much as we could to mug.. hoping we get good grades and get to wat we want in jc or poly. following, jc life was worse.. we thought all we do is juz study our lives out.. and we call it no life.. but now, in uni, omg... things only get worse... we dun even go out aft skool... at least in jc, we go out for lunch and slack before heading home.. but now, all we do is, aft skool, go for lunch at techno edge and then head home to continue wat's left undone.. there's endless assignments!!! ahhh!! u onli learn to appreciate when u've lost it.. and before the next phase in life, we always tink tt wat we went thru is the worst ever and nth could be worse... boo!!!

alrite... off to getting some practise!! big SiGH!!! QQ!!

2007-10-23T14:53:00.001+08:00

boo!! no more driving after next week!!! i'm so gonna miss driving and having someone telling me 'the more they(taxi drivers) wan to horn, the slower we'll go'!!! and the 'i tink demerit 2 points again' for not checking blindspot!!! driving for 2 hrs = definitely fun-er than 2 hrs of lect in skool!!! boo!!! driving shall resume onli aft the 3rd of dec officially!!! i'm so gonna love driving!!!

alrite.. while i miss driving, it's time i go back to my mechanics of materials online assignment... haiz...

2007-10-20T12:45:00.000+08:00

went shopping alone yest... feels diff though... in the past, shopping alone can be such an enjoyment to me.. u do everything u wan, anything u wan to do, eat when u feel like it, sit ard and slack as and when.. buy anything tt fancies u... but yest, the feeling was totally diff.. i went ard, and the more i walked, the more depressed i got.. and decided that i shld sit somewhere out in the open.. so i went somewhere the the fountain, sat there, watched ppl and cars.. decided to gif some frenx a call juz to noe tt there are still doing well.. and as i toked to marc and was reminded of those days in jc, those days were really memories.. though tough, but we've been thru all the nonsense.. being the class of 'troublemakers'.. those days during gp lects when we juz sat being and slept.. econs lects, being afraid to be called, and the kovan days, the fish tank gatherings, being the invisible hands of my foo and those emo toks by mr tan..

oh.. and did i mention tt i actually did something damn hilarious during my programming lab this week?! as we went into the LT late and we decided to be first class citizens for once.. we sat rite in front of the lecturer and den as it was coming to the last 15-20 mins of the 2hr lect, he wanted us to try doing a damn nonsensical program and i said 'siao!' and the lecturer replied by sdaying 'it's not siao la, it's very easy' and the whole LT burst into laughter! shit... and my fren msged me asking me if i was the one who exclaimed so loudly!! i was merely thinking aloud, and it was onli meant to be heard by my fren! omg... but, it was damn funny.. and the funny lecturer loved asking qns and giving the option of 'none of the above' and there was one qn he din gif tt option and my fren told another fren 'none of the above' and the lecturer added tt into the options... shit man!! first class citizens get eavesdropped by the lecturer!!! i shall not be first class citizens anymore!!! =x

2007-10-17T16:52:00.000+08:00

havent been updating.. thanks to all the boring online assignments... sianz.. one after another.. and den there's programming labs... never ending! may tis sem end quickly den there goes programming.. gone once and for all!!!

havent been shopping either!!! omg.. where's life?! though lessons seemed damn slack, somehow like cant find the time to slack!!! arghhh!!! sianz...

at the end of the day, due to the guys not being able to confirm the dates, probably, we shall meet up over dinner or something instead? den we an get the teachers as well!!!

alrite.. till den...

2007-10-06T19:05:00.000+08:00

finally!! mid terms are over! but i guess i'm so gonna flunk it like shit.. EXCEPT econs!!! hopefully i din screw it!!! due to the damn mid term, i totally was deprived of slp!! for 1 week!!! arghhh!! and today, i tot i could rest! but who noes, i ended up not resting at all!! haiz...

and i just realised like not long ago that i actually forgot to take dinner last nite, no breakfast today!!! woah!! and i din really feel hungry until i had duck rice!!! muahahaz... wells ,wells, i dun tink i will be enjoying uni life like now!! haiz... there are irritating ppl ard, trying to assume everything.. so much that nowadays, i feel like giving him one damn tight slap! dun act as if u noe me that well pls... coz u actually don't!!! no one does!! shit u!!!

been cabbing so much lately!!! SHIT!!! muz restraint myself liaoz!!! shit!!! arhhh!!! each cab fare is at least 10 bucks.. and over the week i tink i took a cab like 4 times!!! omg!!! tt's like 40 over dollars!!! arhhh!!
anyways, calling out to all 2s20 peeps, is chalet confirmed? 14th - 17th? and wat's the budget like for each and everyone? do u guys prefer coasta sands, the one we had last yr, or the downtown one? there's a promo going on for the mentioned date... it's $308 for 3days 2 nite! an estimate of each one $28 for food+chalet, izzit fine wif u guys? SMS GIAM if u see this!!! =)

2007-10-04T16:22:00.000+08:00

BOO!!! Stressed!!! AHHHHHH!!!

after all the stress!! finally i'm at the second last paper!!! BUT PROGRAMMiNG SUCKS!!!

2007-09-22T14:44:00.000+08:00

TOPIC OF THE DAY: IT IS UNIVERSALLY AGREED THAT BIRDS OF THE SAME FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER...

hmms.. had the worst day ever.. or rather, september is a bad mth for me.. full of bad days... SHIT.. don't understand why some ppl can make themselves out to be bitches.. trying to get fresh at ppl they probably seen for the first few times.. and to guys who haf gfs, and atill tried to act like FUCKERS.. omg... wells, prostitutes to be, we agreed..

i tot aft the first time seeing one, i was quite disgusted alr.. upon seeing twice, it totally disgusts me.. and to see her frenz being like her, woah!!! that's like great match!!! and for once i found that phrase so appropriate...

shall say no more.. totally disgusted alr... it juz takes one person to actually spoil the whole thing.. but to haf 3, it's WOW!!! totally... boo!!!

oh.. and if in any way, i actually insulted anyone, i'm sorry.. but tt's not my prob.. it's urs.. really.. coz if u are one who behaves like that or haf frenz behaving like tt, it's ur prob.. and it's ur disgrace.. none of my business..

2007-09-19T16:58:00.000+08:00

EVENTFUL DAYS LIKE THIS SUCKED!!! SHIT!!!

2007-09-16T00:34:00.000+08:00

feeling very down lately.. stressed and upset over too much.. perhaps it's me.. it's me being too demanding.. but den again, i feel like hell load of a crap.. as for skool, it's been quite bad.. stressed over the damn subjects.. and feeling damn shitty about the damn statics quiz today.. to add on, i forgot to bring my damn calculator.. haiz... not like u care.. but still, i wan to say..

as for myself, i've been feeling very lousy.. in comparison, u're so diff.. den and now.. wells wells... maybe it's juz me.. i shall be demanding no more.. i shall juz shut and do watever i used to.. i dun even noe why do i bother to change.. why do i bother to refrain myself from using the fone when i'm with u.. it was me and now, u're constantly on the fone too.. either on ur smses or ur soccer scores.. so karma do exist.. den it used to be me.. now it's u..

bring it all back.. let me die once and for all rather than letting me die a slow death wif all these and wif skool stuffs.. really.. it feels better to cry it all out at once rather than to cry every other day..

i dun like to be treated as some insignificant person.. and left to handle the akward atmosphere myself... i didn't wan to treat meself this way.. it feels kind of shitty too.. imagine everyone whom u dun really noe and u're being left alone while the supposed person leaves u there and leaves to do watever, stand along or watever and juz checks on u once in a while.. BLOODY SHIT.. how does that feel? seriously.. and the onli thing u could do is walk out of the awkard situation and be left alone and tt turned out to be a mistake as well.. haiz... watever.. all these, i should have seen it coming and i haf no one to blame den..

i finally realised tt i really have a very big ego.. thanks to sq for letting me noe the other day, and today, i've found out for myself too..

2007-09-10T00:26:00.000+08:00

Not a Jealous Bone in Your Body

You're secure, trusting, and giving with friends and lovers
And while you may have been hurt before, you've bounced back
You're generally happy with your life - and no one's grass is greener than yours
One word of caution: some may see your lack of jealousy as indifference!

Are You A Jealous Woman?

the last part is esp true..

You Are A Professional Girlfriend!

You are the perfect girlfriend - big surprise!
Heaven knows you've had enough practice. That's why you're a total pro.
If there was an Emily Post of girlfriends, it would be you.
You know how to act in every situation ... to make both you and your guy happy.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

muaahahaz... if onli..

He's Getting Over Her...

Your boyfriend gets an A for effort. He's trying his hardest, but he needs a little help.
It's likely that your guy hasn't had many serious relationships. Make sure you let him know what you need - gently.

Is He a Good Boyfriend?

probably so..

2007-09-07T00:33:00.000+08:00

Some people are just good in taking care of people while others are not.. For some, it's because of the way they are being treated, probably people around treats them well, therefore they tend to treat people the same way too.. But for others, probably they feel that the whole world owes them a living and it's only right for them to be treated like kings and queens when they dun really bother about how they actually treat others.. I think it's relative..

Haix.. Been wondering if i should be envious of her or pity him... It's like a little of both.. If only i got half tt nice-ness from my boy.. Hmmx.. At least i won't make him go all the way down all of a sudden..

2007-09-01T19:59:00.000+08:00

thurs was the worst lab i've ever done!!! it's phy lab and we were supposed to do an experiment on PRINCIPLE OF CONSERVATION OF LINEAR MOMENTUM!!! it was maddness!!! haf u very done 25!!! sets of readings ever in ur life for a damn lab?! it was like omg!! spent like 4hrs in the lab lahz! and aft all the readings, imagine the amt of calculations u haf to do!! and!!! the error analysis and stuffs!! it was literally calculating and writing lahz!! and thanks to it, i missed my math lect! not tt i enjoy it so much but still!!! arghhh!!!

rite.. so, i've met some nice ppl along the way! strangers who passed by and den u become acquaintances.. many thanks to js who helped in the programming ting tt day!! really!! without which, i wud haf probably died asking the lab assistants who can't even understand proper language for help! and to sq who helped really a lot in the math part!! but wells, i did my part in helping in econs too!! tt was like i dunno how many hrs of work ok!!! but so long as it's helpful in any sense, it's enuff.. =) oh, not forgetting yd who didnt leave quite a good impression during o' week but now, it's all fine and thanks for the help for the phy online assignment!! and den there's the class peeps who were overall quite nice! except for a few who din look frenly and all so arrogant...

toking about the online assignment, juz by starting at it, i feel like crying alr.. it's reealy quite bad... right giam!? and thanks for staying up and travelling over from boon lay to boon keng to study thru the nite!! mmmmmuacks!!! =) to ur roomie, ask her to cheer up too though i've onli said hi to her once!

2007-08-28T22:06:00.000+08:00

it's juz coincidental.. yest was kor and nana, today is dragon.. juz tt today, the situation's a bit diff.. i finished my lesson and he's going for his.. so we were at the zebra crossing and suddenly i see this familiar face, not very sure who it was and den tihs person tilted his head.. and he 'eh' and i realised it's him.. but seriously, i kind of cant recognise him coz he has long hair now? which i dun tink really suits him.. or maybe i still tink he looks better wif short hair.. but wells, onli my 5c worth and doesn't really matter...

besides i juz realised.. since the first time i am involved in a relatioship, i dun really get wat i wish for? for the first few, alrite.. maybe there was for the second.. there's always someone who wud go all the way juz to pick me up from tuition.. and den see the bus go pass his hse to reach my house and den he gets back to his.. as for the third, it was nth really.. we merely met up coz there wasnt much other stuffs i had.. den there was another who will go any extent, even if he's out there playing billiard far away, i will always see him.. be it a bus or a cab, and there he is, nv failing to be there on time but sadly, it was a sad story.. now, maybe there used to be but i shall not say much...

and i'm finally not lonely anymore!! at least there's one fren out there? and quite cool, first day get to bitch ard liaoz... feels like meeting bel den.. hmmz.. BEL! u're missed!! =)

2007-08-27T23:36:00.000+08:00

been in a daze lately.. so much so tt i walked pass nana at SSDC entrance and i din noe.. den kena kp him as usual.. and aft tt, walked pass kor and i still din realise.. and so, i received calls from them suddenly.. damn funny.. den both complaining bout me not knowing i walked pass them...

maybe it's not juz recently.. maybe it's been a while.. juz tt i din reealise..

2007-08-26T21:44:00.000+08:00

though we were nv close, maybe we've nv even spoke much.. but to know that we once crossed each other's path, and spent 6 yrs in the same skool, to know that u were involved in a car accident, the car exploded and u passed away, it's really sad.. and u've onli lived 19 yrs of ur life..
omg.. this is the news... to SCPS ppl, someone's holding a memorial for him at 7.30pm at orchard..

Two men found dead in car after fire along Sixth Avenue
By Pearl Forss, Channel NewsAsia | Posted: 25 August 2007 2034 hrs
SINGAPORE: Two men died after the two-door Mazda convertible they were in caught fire early Saturday morning.

Police are still in the process of verifying the identities of the bodies as they were badly burnt.

The incident happened at 4am along Sixth Avenue, towards Bukit Timah.

Civil Defence officers arrived at the scene almost immediately. They took five minutes to extinguish the flames and found the men trapped in the driver and front passenger seats.

The two were extricated and pronounced dead by paramedics at 4.35am.

The cause of the fire is still being investigated. - CNA/ac

2007-08-26T16:22:00.000+08:00

here goes.. pics for s20 gathering on 260807.. as usual, no full attendance.. not even in skool, so not surprising to see onli 13 here.. had dinner at manhatten at central... so, let the pics do the toking..

this was the full attendance we had last nite.. 12/23... and i realised tt esther is so out of the pic.. like some passer by who happened to be taken into the pic until...

i pushed her into the pic.. which looks slightly better but becoz the 'camera-woman' didn't giv any warning or anything, it turned out like tt..

this was the food the vaynies had.. the one at the top of the pic and the bottom was wat jess ang giam had.. poor caleb met the rest of the guys and when we managed to get a seat, he had to leave due to having to book in.. so he didn't get to eat.

the gers... 5 out of the 6... and the 6th is our class rep, SERENE HENG!!!

the guys... was supposed to see how zhen quan look in the 'doggie cap'.. wells tt's wat they call it.. so, i'm juz quoting them.. muahahaz..

he took of his beanie and i tot his hair looked quite 'cute'.. i decided to take a snap shot but he found out, so he gave tis expression.. and i dunno why..

the vayne-s.. caleb complained bout not giving any warning b4 taking.. so i took again.. and the outcome...

this is the pretty boy of SRJC!! wif short hair, he's still a pretty boy.. u cant deny tt fact for sure.. but, look at tt ear hole!!!

the both zi lians.. da jie and me!!! it's been really a long time.. and hope u guys are still going strong.. we noe wat we are going thru and tt's enuff.. =)

on the way to central, and we were taking pics.. quite attention seeking but we dun really care..

jess and giam, yet again..
the jess in the 'doggie cap'..

below are random shots taken by giam.. but the guys are juz too engrossed in toking bout their army lives!! hahaz...

coming up next is some pics of me and the loved babe! taken on my bday though.. so it's quite some time back..

thank u babe for being there all these yrs!! i love u so much!!! =)

last set of pics.. the continuation of my orientation week..

look at the colour diff!!! omg... i was tt BLACK!!

happy tree victim!!! seriously happy tree.. wif the bruise, i could still smile! wif the one who actually inflict the bruise on me!!!

tt's my SP!! we were all blindfolded and blinded for hrs!! and we are in the midst of trying to get used to the lightings and we had to take pics!! ... look at how dirty we were.. and i'm the onli ger wif paint on me!!one of the game we played in sentosa.
look at this carefully!! and if u see me anytime soon, u still get to see it!!
it looks like this now!!! muahahaz...

2007-08-25T06:52:00.000+08:00

FREAK!!!

2007-08-23T22:11:00.000+08:00

it started off unwell.. full of conflicts and miscommunication.. then mistrust came into the picture too... in less than 120days, quietness sets in.. having nth to tok about and probably, what's been anticipated will come true. and when tt day comes, there goes.. the same storyline comes about with the same kind of ending. den everything repeats itself yet again. but even so, maybe i onli haf myself to blame. for not being good enuff... or maybe u're juz too good...

this is wat u did, so i'm returning it to u in ur own actions... and yup, tt's it..

relationship problems are inevitable. but why does it seem like when 1 couple haf problems, others will haf theirs too... when u hear 1 couple say they broke up, soon u hear many too.. are relationship problems contagious too? wells, wells...

i've lost all hopes, lost myself and everything else.. i no longer am who i used to be... i jus feel like being alone, or rather, i juz feel lonesome.. who's there to rely on but myself... onli u noe urself best...

N76!!! laptop!! ez link!! are they all coming one by one alr?!?! i see n76 calling out for me!! my ez link by the end of the mth... wat bout my laptop?!?! and C programming sucks!!! shitface!!

2007-08-21T22:24:00.000+08:00

at sentosa, this was wat we did to sebastian.

it's the end of the whole sentosa day! photo taking time

'amazing race' at town, but we ended up at lido, taking photos with the simpsons and 'shopping'

one of the task we were supposed to do and obviously, i was one of the victims! was supposed to do it alone which is gonna be so super silly! of coz, i refused..

more pics soon.. smth's wrong wif picasa..

2007-08-20T23:40:00.000+08:00

skool started officially 1 week ago. as usual, still alone during lectures.. falling aslp isn't anything new either. juz that this time, no one wakes me up when i fall aslp, no one luffs wif me over silly things.. so all i do is scribble on my notes.. which is quite sad actually.. hopefully next week, when tutorial starts, things will start changing for the better.. i really hope those ppl are not alr in their cliques or else i could juz live my life in skool alone for the next 4 yrs.. seriously... hmmx...

however, happy 3 friends has quite a no of lunch together. so, yup. hopefully, tt's some kind of consolation? wells, wells, i'll pray hard!

pics will be updated SOON!! =)

and tis is wat my boy say.. ---->
I Love my BOY!!! :) And My Boy Loves Me. :)

2007-08-11T23:26:00.000+08:00

been a while since i last updated..

was having my O week camp since sat... so, been rather shagged out... sat itself was the first day of camp and were in skool.. was almost late coz but i got a super good taxi driver who drove like super fast when he knew i was almost late.. fyi, i boarded the cab at like 9.15 when i'm supposed to reach skool at like 9.30... he onli took like half the time needed lahz... and he's like 68 yrs old when he looked at most in his late 50s.. reached skool, saw the ppl, new as usual, made new frens but the ppl there... hmmx.. i'm rather lazy to actually make new frenz alr.. besides, the ppl there, gers were, omg.. and guys looked so young to haf completed ns and half of them were like eeeeee was my first reaction.. alrite.. not to be mean but at least there was one pretty ger.. den i came to noe this SR senior who like graduated 5 yrs ago? hahaz... so, it was kind of hilarious when i tot back bout it.. but it was nice of him to get me a cake knowing tt it was my bday the next day.. hmmz.. SR ppl are all nice.. but super malu!!! i was msging and not paying attn to the announcements and stuffs until i heard ppl singing happy bday song and everyone turned and looked at me.. ... but was very nice of him though... den i left.. fortunately, i skipped mass dance!!! it was totally hopeless juz by looking at it... muahahaz..

sun was a no camp day.. was out wif boy.. but, wells, shall not mention bout the unhappy tings... in any case, i juz hope tt things wud be better... like real soon... but still, thanks to boy, who got me a cap and slippers!=) and thanks to boy's mummy hu gave me an angbao... hmmx... and pls, dun argue wif her all the time though it may not be u at times... aft tt, we went to ECP.. hmms.. was a really nice time to me.. i'm not sure bout boy though..

mon, stayed over in skool.. super shag aft the whole day of ROAR games... tired out but fun!.. councillors enjoy pole-ing each other and stuffing bananas into the pants, spraying expired coke into the shorts, front and back.. the feeling muz haf sucked!!! den came sp nite when we were blind folded for i dunno how many hrs.. totally sick to feel blind.. aft tt, din slp the whole nite and legs were cramping all over... oh, and i forgot to introduce my bruise on my arm.. it was super sick.. thanks to sebastian koh, the OGL... kns.. though i wasnt alone, another ger's bruise weren't as bad.. and in the morning, we had FIC.. it's was like so cool! i nv expected myself to see tt apart from on tv!! those profs wearing those coats!! woah!! magnificent indeed...

tues, flag day.. bet the whole of sg are covered wif purple NUSSU tops.. and everybody mux haf shunned us like they've seen some ghosts... btw.. NUS may be rich but not the ppl we're helping.. and does it look like i care if they are rich or not? as long as u bloody donate! flag day was crap.. but i saw huili! at chinatown.. still the same captain i knew.. quite cool... and tt evening, when i reached home, i literally put my bag down and slept on the sofa till 9+pm b4 i woke up to bathe.. den went to slp again while my dad attended to my bruise.. and thanks to boy who forced COLD salt water down my throat to replenish the water i've lost causing my cramps..

wed, went to sentosa, the most tiring day!!! woke up early in the morning juz to go to sentosa.. at sentosa, we did so many many tings.. all sorts of nonsense.. the guys took off their underwear in the sea to do cheers.. played 'captain's ball' wif diff fruits and stuffs, and the damn other team is like hell.. violent, rough and sore losers!!! shit... but anyways, most of the games and activities were fun.. den went to vivo for dinner outside food republic since there's like more than 20 of us and there isn't anywhere to accommodate so many.. oh.. and my poor SP had to be dunked early in the morning coz of a silly forfeit we had to do... but SP was quite sporting..

thurs, ndp.. went to watch the performance live wif KW... but wells, still, smth unhappy happened.. and i shall not elaborate.. haiz...

fri, lionel came to pick me up at boon keng coz they wanted a favour from me.. den we went for breakfast at buona vista b4 heading to NUS.. sebastian called to check on me coz we were supposed to report at 9.45 but i was no where to be seen at 10.00am.. and i played a prank on him say i not going anymore coz lionel overslept.. den sebastian called lionel and lionel played along.. and in less than 10mins, i reached skool liaoz.. sebastian was so amused asking if he really was so fast.. hahaz... had silent nite aft everything.. everything, all the stns were fine until the last when something super eerie happened... till now, nobody noes what exactly izzit...

sat, had pageant in the morning den prize presentation.. our group had the most amt collected for flag day.. and we were the best hse too.. so, it's kind of smth to be proud of lahz.. and! in an engine o week, u actually get to see more gers than guys in our grp!! was so amazing can.. and our attendance was really good compared to many.. den padang in the noon for rag.. was literally sunbathing.. and now, i am so super tanned again.. hmmx.. till now, i noe no one in the same grp or lect as me!!! haiz.. and!! saw mr hon at padang taking pics this evening.. was so shocked to see him.. hahaz.. so, as usual, got him to take pics of me wif my og fren.. muahahaz...

in short, made good frenz and had great OGLs!!! loves!!

2007-08-02T23:06:00.000+08:00

so, today was registration.. wells, tings turned out ok... juz tt i was still wandering ard alone, trying to search for familiar faces but wells, efforts were in vain.. and den was given the WOW! ME for a ger kind of impression to many of the seniors during the matric fair.. but at the same time, wif WOW, i received compliments! so, i'm happy..

to the boy, wells, u shld be happy tt ur gf received compliments.. i guess it means smth good.. instead of feeling bad bout it...

to the ger, things will turn out fine.. dun worry... u've been thru so much, i'm sure it wudn't fall so easily.. hang on there.. and i'm always here on the other side ... if at anytime u need a listening ear or anything, i'm juz a call/sms away even if i'm not online.. so, no worries bout whether i'm busy or not becoz i'll still be here... =)

received doc's letter and tt means, i'm ready to go back to learning how to drive the car!!! muahahaz... but hopefully i can cope between 3 'part time' jobs, skool, my future cca watever it may be, driving, friends and of coz, not forgetting dearest.. ho wells, shall enjoy my mon free timetable... no complains and wait patiently for my notebook, clothes from LJ and my loans to ppl!!!

juz read ms yiyi's blog and i came back to this topic..
since the day i knew about liking and falling in love, i nv understood how ppl could fall for a total stranger without even knowing how he/she looks like, wat exactly is he/she like... really.. and i find it quite amazing how ppl could say how much they love tt person juz by playing games, thru irc and fone calls.. Man could be so pretentious and wat they get may juz be some kind of a facade, a mr/ms 'prefect'.. but hellos, get a life! and wat if tt person didn't turn out the way u tot wud be? maybe tt person sounded so nice and sweet over the fone and stuffs but she looked horrendous.. den wat? juz get away from tt person totally, taking it as if u nv knew him/her? wells, wells.. this applies to guys esp. not trying to be a sexist here but it's true!! from past experience...

2007-07-30T23:35:00.000+08:00

Leo today..
Today is not an ideal day for you to make any big decisions or commitments, so delay signing on that dotted line! Things may not be as clear as you need them to be in order to make an informed choice, and you are not going to feel confident about where you are going. To fight this fuzzy feeling, spend your day on things you know through and through -- like familiar tasks and familiar people. Avoid diving into new things that require quick choices.

hmmz.. maybe it's true.. but i've alr decided.. so all i could do now is pray that i wun regret it and get used to it instead...

prolly indulge myself in the pleasure of food wif fav. manda tml.. and den i dunno wat the hell ya's gonna do to me... and i'm so gonna make him do smth embarrassing if he's late... =x

maybe everyone's 'suffering' from the same fate as myself... as in ppl ard me.. dexter, tt beloved 12yrs fren of mine who cant contact any gers at all in the presence of dearest gf.. my darling, who haf to keep tings in the dark from fav. bf.. bestie, who is not allowed to make NEW ger frenz in his new class... my boy, who haf to forgo his gerfrenz for me.. actually not all.. juz one... and maybe keep tings from me as well? tt i'm really not sure and i shall take his words for real for now.. unless i realise anything.. and as for me, live in happiness wif tt VIP list of my guyfrenz.. wells, actually, i'm still fortunate there's tt list to keep.. or else, i wud juz cry everyday since my ger frenz are like juz the same few gers half the time.. prolly, myself to blame...

to my dearest, thanks for the concern! really.. i'll update u... =) but, sat, u better come!!! it's a gathering for the family!!! so, u're definitely included!!! hmmmz.. tis yr's bday's prolly gonna be juz spent wif the family since skool starts the next day, and gers are rather busy wif work and own stuffs... and guys are all from diff cliques.. so, hmmx... shall see...

2007-07-30T00:02:00.000+08:00

thanks to smith, ser, yan, da and not forgetting my bestie in sr, how much i'm still loved by u guys... u guys really made me so close to tears!!! thanks!! and i needed tt... oso to giammy, thanks for listening... i love u guys so super much!!! thanks sweeties... =)

so, manda and prin, CONFIRM ARZ!!! no last min changes or u're so dead, esp the latter... muahahaz..

2007-07-29T17:51:00.000+08:00

UNDERLYING MEANING TO THIS POST IF U EVEN REALISE..

LEAVE ME ALONE FOR NOW!

2007-07-29T15:37:00.000+08:00

i'm having this totally lost and hopeless feeling bout life.. i wonder why.. but what i noe is i keep having this sad feeling.. juz like wat they used to call me, emo jess wif the sad eyes look.. i dunno why but if i didn't remember wrongly, the latter was described by mel.. hmmz.. maybe someone can enlighten me since the one who said tt cant explain.. or perhaps, my life is juz meant to be sad 3/4 the times and otherwise onli for 1/4 my life..

i miss those days when i used to feel loved by so many.. ser! giam! i miss those days where we hug like nobody's business, anywhere anytime.. those days where ppl always look at us when we hug all of a sudden out of nowhere... those days when tan th gave us tt look.. those days we tried to stop our tears from rolling and den sit outside fish tank and cry over tan's touching words.. wells, i dun call tt touching but maybe tt's becoz he's really so nice and diff from the teachers, he cared..

heard this song and i was reminded of those days and tt only promise you kept..
长长的路上
我想我们是朋友
如果有期待
我想最好是不说
你总是微笑的你
总是不开口
世界被你
掌握
月亮绕地球
地球绕着太阳走
我以为世界是座
宁静的宇宙
今晚的天空有一颗流星划过
在预言着什么
在无声之中你拉起了我的手
我怎幺感觉整个黑夜
在震动
耳朵里我听到了
心跳的节奏
星星在闪烁
你会怎么说

你心中一定有座
浓雾的湖泊
任凭月光再皎洁
照也照不透
你眼中闪烁湖面
无边的温柔
那波光在
诱惑

你已经有他就不应该
再有我
世界的纯真此刻为你
有迷惑
我想我应该轻轻
放开你的手
我却没有力气这么做

2007-07-27T22:55:00.000+08:00

the bloody hopeless damnit boss is going to US with his kids for the summer hols. and i heard that he's issuing the cheques alr.. so does that mean tt i'm getting my pay like tml?!!? hmmz.. but getting paycheck early has it's pros and con too...

the pros of getting it early..
~ dun haf to be so sad over being broke.
~ get to buy stuffs yet again.
~ get to splurge a little and love myself.

but the cons..
~ more money to spend early means less money to spend earlier too.
~ having to 'use' the money more wisely?

hmmx.. probably it's all crap coz i dun really care and skool is starting = allowance!! so no worries bout no money to spend. but skool starts means 1hr bus rides... haiz.. but wells, there's always a price to pay.. so i shall juz pray hard tt when SIM start skool, my godly(omg... i cant believe i'm praising him) is gonna send me to skool.. and NEO KOK WEI!!! 5th AUG is juz round the corner!!! muahahaz... and ur promise!!!! hahaz...

hopefully, all is well now.. maybe i'm juz not good enuff.. maybe i expect too much and receive too little juz like wat i expect from myself.. but it's not always the case becoz not everybody can reach my expectations and everybody has their own expectations.. wells, maybe i was juz being too myself... so, morale of the story - dun expect from others what you expect from yourself for they are not you and you're not them.. hmmz..

2007-07-27T19:30:00.000+08:00

alrites.. i saw 2 ccas that i'm super interested in... DIVING!! and skating.. diving is what i've been wanting to do esp aft my bro went for it... coz if he can, i can too.. and it's definitely cheaper than learning outside.. and tt means i can go for dives in future wif my bro too..

as for skating, it's smth tt i kinda like and wat's good is tt i get to practise more and den wun be scared the hell out of my wits by marcus when he pushes me real fast from the back without notice tt leaves me screaming and shouting..

but as for the cons, diving is definitely gonna cost more, much more i muz say.. but it's gonna be smth new and more exciting for me since i've always wanted to go diving.. and i get to go overseas for dives too!!!

hmmx.. diff decision to make...

and does anybody noe tt there's tis ting called radio pulze, the channel tt is 'owned' by nus.. it was launched on valentine's day a few yrs back by some undergrads den!

2007-07-26T22:58:00.000+08:00

went for the NUS dialogue session wif 7 other NUS students, 3 other freshmen and 4 seniorsfor a tok with the president of NUS.. was quite interactive and fun.. and i was really impressed by how this yr 4 ger could speak.. she's really great.. speaks with confidence and she noes her stuffs.. and i was oso 'IMPRESSED' by the fact that this yr 2 ME student who said that there wud be a sem where ME students had to take 7! that's SEVEN modules!!! omg.. is tt madness or wat.. i'm so excited bout skool starting.. i wan a new CCA!!! a CCA that involves diff outdoor stuffs... tt's me... muahahaz... but there's this yr 3 senior in dragon boating and their dragon boat history was quite impressive too.. hmmz... but tt's not exactly me.. haha...

i need a fone!!! but i dunno if i wan to change my fone... nth tt i really like yet.. but i desperately need one!! i hate msging wif a damn stylus... it's damn slow and troublesome!!! arghhh...

i'm down.. but i'll juz leave tings here.. till den..

2007-07-26T03:24:00.000+08:00

FREAK!!! FREAK!!! FREAK!!! FREAK!!! FREAK!!! FREAK!!! FREAK!!!

I JUST NEED TO SHOUT!!! TO VENT MY BLOODY FRUSTRATION!!! TO GIVE MYSELF SOME BLOODY SLEEP!!!

2007-07-25T23:44:00.000+08:00

一种米养百种人。同样都是人，但同人不同命。有些人是被宠的不行，但有些就像垃圾一样对待。但还有一些是被一些人宠得很过分，但同时也被另一些人不知如何对待。在这方面，对我来说，我是被挺多人宠的。但为什么我感觉不到自己是被你宠的那个？为何我往往都是那个被忽略，悲牺牲的一方？难道我真的那么不重要吗？为什么不让我默默的哭泣，为什么自己那么没用？自己几时变得那么懦弱，那么经不起考验？从前那个从不在认何人面前落泪的我去了哪？

i may be unfilial in saying wat i said but i'm sorry.. u forced it out of me.. u were tis biased since the day i knew things.. and i always say that children are the most prideful beings on earth.. when u do smth to hurt their feelings, they will hate u for the rest of their lives.. and if u dun do anything to make up for it, u nv noe wat they can do to u when u need them.. since young, feeling attached to him was so natural because he's the one hu showered love.. as for the rest, every other person esp that family, it's juz biasness.. wells, good for u den.. dun expect anything to the kid u nv loved... morale of the story, treat people the way u wan to be treated.. for u'll be treated the way u treat them.. it's true.. really.. and it applies to everybody out there of any shapes and sizes, of all ages..

2007-07-19T00:15:00.000+08:00

i'm so damn bloody broke!!! for the first time in my life i'm feeling this broke.. but fortunately, staying home means no expenses... and i've decided!!! REALLY!!! i'm so NOT gonna lend anybody money for repaying debts purposes!!! this has been happening again and again and i know that lending them is not helping them at all!!! besides, the fear of being questioned sucks too.. so!! yup.. i shall nv lend for gambling purposes again!!! so, whoever reads this post now, u noe who u are, yup.. that's it.. u can die on your own, gamble even more, ask ppl who likes you, ur rich frenz, whatever, whoever, to lend u but NOT me!!! never again... =p sorry..

2007-07-15T17:24:00.000+08:00

feeling like shit.. and i've decided.. it's time i give up bothering on some things.. for what will be will be.. no point forcing or anything... this is going nowhere... the more i care, the more miserable i get.. besides what you get may not be what it is... when that happens, it doesn't really matter whether it's true or not anymore...

so, it's decided and shall practise what i preach... then, i may be a happier person..

2007-07-10T23:49:00.000+08:00

Been pondering over a few questions...

1. What's wrong with being truthful?
2. Why bother telling a lie if it brings about negative consequences?
3. If there's nothing to hide, why do people choose to deceive? like changing the names of someone from one gender to another or even just leaving it unknown? Wells then, what's the point of saying that you are not lying because you know deep down that you actually are...
4. Seems like everybody's into some relationship problem in one way or another, is there some way that these misunderstandings could be avoided?
5. Why is it that some people could bring themselves to 2-time, 3-time or i've even heard of 7-time? Isn't it like ridiculous or what? Does it make that particular person feel proud or honored? Just like the way some people brag about the no. of ex gfs/bfs they have... It doesn't leave people with the impression of 'WOW, you're that great', at least definitely not to me? To me, it just shows that you're one who aren't serious about your relationships.. Tell me about how serious you were and i'd try my very best to believe...

wells, wells... Anyways, again, it's just what i've been wondering.. Not against anybody, esp my darling(a ger) cause i know one point applies to you.. i'll tell you about it... =p

I realised how the S20 gers are reduced to 5 because it seems like one of which is never being included? muahahaz... it's just how i cant communicate well i guess, with her at least..

2007-07-07T16:26:00.001+08:00

What's wrong with everyone these days? Why do ppl have to lie? Does lying make their day? Or does it make a relationship stronger in any way using that illogical yet senseless method to prove that it actually works? Why is it that there's a need to lie in the first place? Wells, if it means to lie to show that you love someone, what about yourself being deceived? Seems like people think only for themselves.. They assume that a lie they weaved was a white lie, a lie tt's said to make the other person feel better.. And expects the other person to actually accept it the way it is.. But did it ever occur to you that when you're in the shoe of the 'victim' would you be able to accept it as it is? Would you take it lying just because it's assumed that it's for your own good? That the lie was made so that you don't think otherwise, so that you don't misunderstand? If you can't, then why is it that you expect the other person to be able to? I don't see the link.. All i see from it is a selfish act, so selfish that you assume that everything you did was the right thing.. Make it a point to think for the other person before deciding to do anything.. Maybe a guy and a girl react and respond differently to the same thing but still, i don't see that as an excuse to say that whoever has the right to do anything at the expense of the other person. At the end of the day, it'd only cause damage to the trust that was built over time and what good does it make to deplete one's trust in the other?

Besides, if there's a need to lie, how many lies to we need to weave to make it complete, to soud like the truth? It's one after another. It's endless and to gain trust in someone, it's difficult and it takes a lot of time. On the other hand, it only takes one little action to make you lose trust in someone totally. And it's going to take even longer before gaining back the same amount of trust there used to be. By then, there's no point to be together anymore. Even when there's a need to lie, i see no point, none at all, to continue moving on together.

I'm not saying this pin-pointing to anyone but it's just a general 'statement' based on what i'm seeing that's happening to people around me...

2007-07-03T23:29:00.000+08:00

RIGHT!!! i just saw this... wells, to a certain extent it's true, at least it definitely is when it comes to 'the smallest action can have the biggest impact on someone else'. you nv noe when u touch someone else's heart with something u feel may be 'insignificant',

Little things a guy could do to make someone he love feel loved
• give her one of your t-shirts to
sleep in.
• leave her cute text notes.
• kiss her in front of your friends.
• tell her she looks beautiful.
• look into her eyes when you talk to
her.
• let her mess with your hair.
• touch her hair.
• just walk around with her.
• FORGIVE her for her MISTAKES.
• look at her like she's the only girl
you see.
• tickle her even when she says stop.
• hold her hand when you're around your
friends.
• when she starts swearing at you, tell
her you love her.
• let her fall asleep in your arms.
• get her mad, then kiss her.
• stay on the phone with her even if
shes not saying anything
• tease her and let her tease you back.
• stay up all night with her when she's
sick.
• watch her favorite movie with her.
• kiss her forehead.
• give her the world.
• let her wear your clothes.
• when she's sad, hang out with her.
• let her know she's important.
• kiss her in the pouring rain.
• when you fall in love with her, tell
her.
• and when you tell her, love her like
you've never loved someone before.

2007-06-29T21:38:00.000+08:00

alrite... finally i'm getting away from going to vivo like everyday, 6 days a week... now, i'm going there like 6 days a month!!! muahahaz... so pls pay me my well deserved pay for my untaken leave, my com for the 2 mths and my basic!!! finally!!! it's gonna be payday yet again.. i feel so broke... i dun feel like going anywhere at all.. juz feel like slacking and be a potato couch for the rest of the mth!!!

anyways, thanks to kw for accompanying me today and for the fish and co treat.. supposed to be mine!!! wells, i'll gif u a treat soon, alrite.. =)

haiz.. somehow, somewhere, deep down, i feel lost, yet insecure...

2007-06-24T23:59:00.000+08:00

trust level depleting!! seriously.. i don't know what's coming up from me next.. i'm trying my best not to doubt.. really... but somehow, somewhere within me, i can't help it.. now, i don't know which is true and which isn't... i'm trying so hard to convince myself that it's not going to happen again.. but yet again, small actions of yours make me feel that you're keeping something from me... but i don't want to know anymore.. i don't want to go through that kind of torture again.. i wouldn't be able to take it.. really... so i choose not to know anything... just keep my heart and my eyes shut... i don't see and i wouldn't feel... this kind of feeling is torturous.. but i rather suffer in my own hands than in somebody else's...

because,
1) to gain trust in me isn't easy to begin with.
2) to gain my trust, i really believe in everything you say.
3) to betray my trust, i've lost hope in you because it's really heart wrenching.
4) to gain my trust again is going to be many times more difficult than the first.
5) i'm very sensitive... or over sensitive u may say.
6) i get suspicious for i don't know when is true and when is not anymore.

i'm sorry but i really can't help it.. but i'm still willing to try.. and i'm trying very hard.. but i wun be able to take a second blow... it's probably going to be worse than what happened and .....

ms SMITH!!! i missed you loads too!!! and i miss taking endless pictures with you!!!

till then, ...

2007-06-22T11:55:00.000+08:00

just wan to let myself feel better by typing, so dun haf to bother..

感情这东西，对我来说是一点一滴，慢慢累积起来的，不是一夜之间就能培养出来的。而也是一天一天，随着所有不开心的，伤心的，痛心的时间，一点一点减少的。要它在多一些，就要做些事情来填满那颗缺了角的心。不要把它放在一旁，什么都不做也不管，因为时间久了，缺口会越来越大，需要弥补的也越来越多，久而久之，当你发现，觉悟时，可能你也什么都不必做，或是不管你做多少事也填满不了那颗空虚的心了。原因就只是短短的3个字，‘心已死’。

眼泪会干，感觉会减少，感情会淡忘，心会死，但伤害和伤疤永远都会在。也许对于掩盖伤害，我们能装出一幅坚强，根本不在乎的外表。也能利用科技来掩盖伤疤，但在内心深处，你又能用什么来伪装，用多少谎话来说服自己，告诉自己你已放下了呢？

人常说时间能淡忘一切，但有谁能告诉你那段时间需要多久？而在淡忘的当儿，又得做多少事情来让自己快乐一些，让周遭关心，爱护你的人放心啊？

可能自己所作的一件事情，一个谎言[就算是善意的谎言也把]，对自己来说只不过是无伤大雅的事情，同样的东西放在另一个人的身上不一定也无所谓。就因为每个人的价值观不同，看事和处理同样的事情的方法也不一样，因此，不要把自己的想法和作风灌输在另一个人的身上。你觉得对的事不一定是另一个人所能接受的。

当然，在发生任何事时，不要只顾着袒护自己一概认定是对方的错，反而应该坐下来好好的自我反省一下，想想自己是否有些什么地方须要改进或是自己也有做错的地方。两个火冒三丈的人不只不可能解决问题的，还会弄巧反琢。

也许一切都是我自找的吧。若我能潇洒一些，与之间的作风一样，眼泪就不会那么轻易让它落下了。也许本来的不在乎是对的。放了那么多事，做了那么多当时的自己完全不会在乎，也不会去想的事，可能对你来说我根本是多余的。

我是时候找回自己原本的自信心了。可能对自己多些信心，对别人的所作所为就不会那么在乎了。我会让旧的自己重生但任何人都不能怪我。因为现在所作的一切让我觉得自己好渺小，根本不被重视。总之，自己的快乐最重要。

woah! i juz typed a chinese essay, didn't i? muahahaz...

2007-06-19T23:45:00.001+08:00

giammy!!! u're so dead!!! ur ugly pics are up here!!! muahahaz...

it all started wif the calling of giam and den opening of the door...

next up was wishing..

this is the 3 of us!!! ser giam jess.. hahaz...

ser trying to eat a cake wif a pair of chopsticks!! and she did it..

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boy's bday at the vines restaurant wif his parents..

the 'cake' from the restaurant..

the poor cake that went travelling ard singapore from me.. i'm still disappointed.. =(

boy and parents..

boy & girl..

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again, happy birthday to boy.. it's the lunar bday today!!! =) so enjoy ur bday still.. long bday... =)

2007-06-19T11:07:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DARLING BOY!!

as much as there wasn't any surprise for u, which was not supposed to be!!! but wells, since there wasn't a decision made, i couldn't carry out my plan... so yup.. kind of disappointed but wells, there's nth i could do either.. hmmx... and probably today's not gonna be of any surprise for u either if u're gonna pick me up from work... this is damn depressing... first time ever that i failed to do what i planned!!! haix.. haix.. haix... first bday celebrated 'together' and it didn't go well... but there will be more coming up! so yup.. in any case, i hope u liked the wallet and it doesn't go gone case like after 1 week! take good care of it ok! =)

alrites... bad experience recently!!! the damn glass panel of the damn shop had 2 screws attached to each glass panel and 1 screw came apart!!! was so damn bad.. i was alone in the shop and it was closing time when it happened... and so i was lost... coz the contractors wud take damn long and tt means OT.. or could juz try my luck, continue pushing the damn panel... and i did, wif the help of my neighbour and luckily the other screw didn't cae apart.. or else there's gonna be so much more troubles!!! and now, they are saying tt they are gonna change the whole door and if it does, it's going to be like during sats aft 10 till like 4/5am?!?! and somebody has to be on standby?!?! wth?!?! who's gonna be on standby and continue working the next day?!? siao!! not unless the pay was 3-5times more? ...sacrificing our beauty slp? ...

alrite.. giam's bday pics and ecp pics wud be up soon..

2007-06-17T20:13:00.000+08:00

从前的我，根本不会做出这些事情。不知不会做，连想都不会去想但为何，此刻的我，顾虑多了，对自己的信心也少了。少得连我都难以相信，害怕自己已失去了自我。不想折磨自己，也不想被任何人折磨。不想活在任何人的影子里因为我知道自己就是自己，不可能也不会让自己成为另一个人。以前的我不会，现在的我不要，未来的我更加不会让自己失去自我。虽不相信永远但这是永远都不会发生的事实。

知道哭有多累，多丑，多么的令人担心，但我也的。有时候委屈的泪，不开心的泪，伤心的泪，甚至是生气的泪，是不由自主地从眼眶里落下的。不过我不会再在任何人面前落泪了，会和原本的自己一样，就算要哭，不管有多不开心，多难过都不会。一定会等到只剩下自己一个人时才默默地哭。

不知道你有没有遵守自己徐下的诺言，我也不想多问。就让命运主宰一切，倘若你失信，我曾经说过那时我最后一次帮你了。你赢了，我会为你高兴，但如果输了，我也不会过问。

但不管怎样，我都会在这里，默默的陪在你身旁。